I just cried out for help!

TLDR: I finally filled out a referral for psychiatric help!

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Guys, I want to tell you about the past six weeks.

It started with me getting an infection in my toe. I'm a diabetic with neuropathy, and the toe got pretty bad!

I was hospitalized, and almost lost my toe. I have 21 family members who live within 15 minutes of the hospital, but NONE of them came to see me. Only my fiance stood by my side.

Then came my birthday. My mom texted me, and quite a few people said happy birthday on the Book of Faces. That was it. Not a single person thought that I was worth a cake or hug on my birthday. My fiance took my bank card (we share money) to the store. He bought himself a hat, but absolutely nothing for me.

My mental illness has made me no one and nothing. I am not important to anyone. I'm a useless human being.

I have spent the last six weeks in such a depression that I am surprised that I survived. I quit bandaging my toe, and started walking barefoot. I quit taking care of myself and lost track of how many weeks I went without a shower.

During this time, I saw where a family member keeps their gun. My mind went wild trying to think of how I could get the gun and where I would go to end it all. Fortunately I was never left alone.

Finally, my fiance and I got into a fight. He walked to the store, Everyone else was out...

I wound up in a panic attack, and called my sister to talk me through it. I survived, but knew that I needed help.

That was last weekend. I am pushing myself to do better every single day. I know that I last showered on Sunday.

I still haven't worked up the nerve to call the doctor about my toe. I think that they may have to just cut it off. The wounds look black, even though I am back to covering them and keeping them absolutely clean. My whole foot is red and the swelling goes up to my calf.

There have been a lot of posts on Reddit about mental illness tonight. I finally felt the urge to seek out professional help.

Thinking of the phrase, "too little, too late", I feel like it's maybe not much, and it is a little late in the game.

I know that this all seems pretty childish, but I don't know how to be any other way. I truly do blame my mental illness for that.

I have done years of therapy and even did DBT classes. I take my medicine as prescribed and I tell the doctor when they are off or I feel like they need adjusted.

Anyways, if you got this far thanks for reading!