Sputnik Planitia
Calling this poem Sputnik Planitia for now because it was my muse basically while writing this. it's not finished. I want to make it longer but it would be great to get some feedback first to see if that brings me to where I want to go with it.
Glowing new horizons found
at most unsuspecting times.
Studying sights and sound,
cracking codes of minds,
similar they seem,
different they must be,
what can I make of this urge?
Is it a dream
in some frozen sea?
Or will we slowly converge?
You might believe me emotionless,
smooth features hide,
the pasts violent mess,
data entry, folder classified.
It’s just a self-healing trick,
I’m more liquid than ice,
though so far from the sun
and the crust thick,
A kind word, enough to suffice,
for me to come undone.
Posted Sep 17, 2019, 8:17 PM UTC
I love this! It's simple but complicated at the same time, and honestly that name is perfect (unique and not too straight forward but fits amazingly). I think the balance between vague/interesting/mysterious and something understandable/clear is really well done. I personally don't know how well the rhyming and format worked (not that these commonly do or are easy to make this way) partially because the rhyming words were so far apart. For instance, the second half or so of the first stanza (from "similar they seem" onward) seemed more forced than the first part, and there are large gaps between "be" and "sea" as well as "urge" and converge." I don't know necessarily how much further you could stretch this concept without it seeming repetitive or becoming boring, but I'd love to be surprised haha. Yes, this is a sorry attempt at a critique but I hope you found something useful in this mess, and good luck with the rest of your poem! It's great so far : )
Thank you so much for your kind words! I know the rhyme scheme is an odd one and it's really hard to come up with the rhymes and still have it make sense to the forward progression of the story. It also made it not as romantic as I was hoping for it to sound. I don't usually write love poems so I'm struggling all around lol So I might add small stanzas in between with a regular, easier to follow rhyme scheme, I'm hoping that will make it a little less straight forward and might help the end sound prettier. Hopefully...