Time

I'm not sure you should instruct your readers not to look for meaning in the climax of your poem. It read to me like a dodge wrapped in faux-philosophy.

I am fond of the concept of this poem, I think it's clever and unexpected, but it's also forced to me. I think you felt this too.

I feel there's no proper connection between the stanzas. The meaning or the story which you intend to give away isn't coming off. If this was intentional, as said in one of your lines, great job.

You try to create a visual imagery but I feel you can work on it a bit more. Try to put in another poetic device to make it more embellished.

I like this! it feels like a layer cake with some foreign frosting in the middle. Each tastes well enough on its own, but it may flow better once a stronger connection between Atlas and cake can be formed? I feel like there is a lot of thought going on here, and the connection is just a little loose right now. Keep working on it, i enjoy the imagery a lot.

I don't really "get" the last stanza, but I love the feel and play on "lines."

Your last line made me think more than twice. You truly expressed a deeper meaning even not intending the supposed “to be” reader to find in the words no special one. But by misdirecting and bringing us to an uncommon object that when analyzed closer holds more emotional meaning than one could imagine (not just a cake, a birthday cake, with candles, the momentum, the meaning, the celebration, time, aging...) and the envied features: I sensed the tenseless as a manifestation of the person embodied by the cake being someone always in control, and just holding things in place.