TLDR: i got help, but I'm still feeling shitty as ever. Still want to kill myself.

So I went to the hospital, inpatient, for five days. I genuinely felt better, probably because i was away from a lot of the shit that stresses me out. I don't know what happened. The positivity wasn't fake, I thought i could get better. But now, all i feel is doom. My medication is barely working as it is. No one seems to hear me screaming for help- I guess I still need it.

It's an uphill battle I don't want to fight anymore. I could take some pills and alcohol and just go drive somewhere so no one finds me until it's too late. I promised my therapist, I told her i wasn't that bad. But I am. I hate how anxious and angry I get on my meds. It sucks and I want it all to stop. I want the blackness and emptiness of death- a calming, soothing darkness-just nothing. Nothing at all. I dont feel real anyway.

I don't know what to do. This feeling is crushing me. I know that people will see this post and either try to help or just ignore it (which is perfectly fine, I'm not asking for help or advice, just venting) but what are people going to say? "Don't do it! You're important" or "You're special! !! You matter!!11!" Shit that isn't true?

Anyway, I'll make an update. Maybe.