Source
r/actuallesbians•
IntheCenterRing

[NSFW] Not wanting to eat pussy or have your pussy eaten should be respected as the sexual boundary that it is and not something to persuade someone about.

NSFWText

A couple days ago someone made a post asking if people would rather receive or give cunnilingus. Some people said both and that they couldn’t choose, others chose a side and gave their reasons. Some people, including me, said that they’d prefer neither and got downvoted by a significant number of people. I was quiet surprised that voicing a sexual boundary regarding a sexual act would get downvoted almost passive aggressively. Thus, I wanted to discuss the cultural significance of cunnilingus in the wlw community and the impact that has on people who do not want anything to do with it.

So many people, including myself at one point, genuinely worried about how they would please their partner or are even properly a lesbian if this act was supposed to be the height of wlw sexuality because of the emphasis we place on it. Yeah it’s fun to rally around this one thing and take control of our sexuality but in that we need to make space for acknowledging that this is not a “special” act that gets exemptions from our understanding of consent.

So I’m bringing this topic to discussion and I hope that we can get some good conversations following.

Edit: Hey everyone, it’s been about 9 hours since I posted this and I am so happy with the outpouring of support. I have read everyone’s messages and it’s been amazing. There are still people commenting who have struggled with this boundary and what it means to them and I think this post has done some good. Empowering people, even if it’s just a few individuals at a time, is what this sub is all about. Thanks to everyone who has shared a piece of their story!

Posted Oct 1, 2019, 3:26 PM UTC · edited

81266
WubbingTheBasslineLesbian•

Valid. This sorta thing used to piss me off when I was more asexual. Had that so is spaghetti until it's wet line thrown at me a couple times and it felt just as slimy as guys do now who ask for nudes. Respect boundaries always

177
SaffronBurke•

The spaghetti line is so gross, pushing someone's preferences is never cute and I don't know how it became a thing.

94
WubbingTheBasslineLesbian•

Thank you. Like, part of being lesbian is not accepting the preferences pushed on you to like boys and doing things how you want/prefer. I don't get how they can turn around and dictate what others should prefer after that

33
abrokenelevator•

What's the spaghetti line? I've never heard it, luckily it seems.

3
WubbingTheBasslineLesbian•

"I'm straight"

"So is spaghetti until it's wet"

It was even more annoying since I never liked guys either, they just assumed since I didn't like them

14
Hulksdogg•

Wait so do lgbt say that in response to someone straight (I honestly don't know I've never heard this before)

4
WubbingTheBasslineLesbian•

Some predatory girls do, hence me and other girls here calling it slimy and disgusting. A lesbian will go to a straight girl and not take no for an answer, saying they're not actually straight and stuff.

5
ScarletteKnight•

I've never understood why people wouldn't like oral sex, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't respect their boundaries.

Although I've heard straight girls be afraid of what men will think if they go down there because of the horrible things some straight guys say about giving oral. My brother's first girlfriend was convinced that he'd think she smelled disgusting and hate her. And similarly, those same straight guys are very pushy about receiving oral, so a lot of straight girls are pressured into doing something they don't like, even thinking it's a requirement and nobody actually likes doing it.

155
enid_•

As a bi girl, I can totally confirm this.

56
ophelia_aurielis•

Yep, pretty sure this is why I still have a lot of problems with receiving it. The stigma growing up really freaked me out, and then one of the first times having it done (while freaking out the entire time) my then boyfriend told me my clit was too far inside of me and I had a weird vagina. (I do not, and it isn't) That basically traumatized me, and now.. once in a while I will let my current (amazing, loving, beautiful) partner try and even though she's so supportive and I'm very comfortable with her, I almost immediately start panicking.

51
[deleted]•

my clit was too far inside of me

What an odd excuse.

26
ophelia_aurielis•

Right?

3
RosyAngelina•

This.. the only reason i'm scared if because my ex boyfriend told me it was awful..so i'm terrified to have a girlfriend, because I don't mind giving but what if she doesn't because she thinks the same as him..

23
sushideceptionhomo homo sapiens sapiens•

That is super fucked up and I’m so sorry it happened to you. Fuck your ex. Insulting someone’s genitals is so gross and childish and it plants a seed of insecurity that’s so hard to shake off.

21
[deleted]•

[deleted]

13
TeezusRa•

I agree. It’s a hard boundary (a must have) for me, but I wouldn’t force or convince someone to do it.

I feel like people should do less convincing and just realize that it just means you’re sexually incompatible with whoever doesn’t want it/wants it, and shouldn’t force the matter, or the relationship if it’s such a hard boundary. But instead people want to change minds or push boundaries when it’s less of a headache to just let go.

127
PM_me_your_kitty_pix•

Yes this 💯. It's all about respecting someone's wants and needs AND sexual compatibility, which I think is important to identify early on in the relationship.

45
MtF29HRTMar18•

Agree too, if they don’t let me go down I’m out

7
CypherSupreme•

I totally agree. I’ve been seeing the argument that anybody who doesn’t eat pussy doesn’t deserve a girlfriend all over the internet lately, and it’s just ridiculous.

I don’t like giving or receiving, it makes me uncomfortable. That should be respected, not fought.

I can’t believe that this is even an argument in the same day and age that everyone preaches consent.

92
alisaxoxo•

That’s unbelievably fucked up. Undermining a girls entire worth based on the fact that she has sexual preferences.. I wonder what other community does that. I just hope that wasn’t being said on this sub.

33
pleaseatme•

I think its usually in reference to men and not wlw relationships

13
TheDoorInTheDark•

I’m pretty sure you’re right. No one should be forced into any sex act but I think this is usually said in reference to men who expect oral from their partners as a requirement but won’t also give oral to their partners because they see it as “emasculating” and in cases like that I can’t fault anyone for finding that awful because it’s a respect and misogyny issue. Beyond that, though, no one should be being pressured into doing any acts they don’t want to. Even those shit ass dudes just deserve to be dumped, not pressured.

24
thefranster•

Might stem from this misogynistic dialogue where DJ K says women should praise men and they should not have to do this.

13
CypherSupreme•

Nah, I mostly see it on Twitter.

6
alisaxoxo•

Oh.. yeah, that’s less surprising. I avoid using twitter nowadays because there’s so much toxicity on it.

8
Jarl_of_Ireland•

To be fair, Twitter is an absolute cesspit.

4
katiecharm•

No one should get to decide what sex means to you except for you.

61
LesBean30•

Sex is sex 🤷🏼 shouldn't matter how you choose to do it. I'm sorry you were treated that way love

44
Sage-lilacLesbian•

Feels good to read this. I’m terribly afraid of germs and getting sick and i’ve been inching my mouth closer and closer to my fiancé’s vagina but i get nervous and can’t do it. My partner is very understanding and doesn’t force me to do anything i don’t like but i am very sad and feel like i failed as a lesbian if i can’t perform this glorified sexual act for my love. It helps to know that i’m not the only one.

35
GownAndOutNonbinary Lesbian, UK•

Aw mate, I feel you, I've been in a similar situation. If you don't feel safe and happy, don't do it. There are so many other things you can do. I'm gonna leave a more broad comment top-level, but I wanted to reply to you specifically to say you're not alone, and it's totally valid to not want it. Wanting to go down on women is not a prerequisite for fancying them. Having boundaries doesn't make you selfish or a failure

14
moonfever•

You've probably considered this, and you in no way have to justify anything, but have you considered a dental dam? The barrier might help with your germ issues.

7
Sage-lilacLesbian•

Good idea! I did absolutely consider it, I’ve just been turned off of the thought by other lesbians claiming it feels like “eating plastic wrap”. I’m eager to try it though once my partner comes back from overseas.

7
foxglove333•

Wow you are not alone that’s for sure! I actually have severe Lyme disease and while it’s not dangerous for my partners it is extremely risky for me to have oral sex because many people unknowingly carry germs that could kill me with how weak my immune system is. I have a lot of health issues and protecting my health is a top priority, still people always try to pressure me into it and I wish I could be normal but I’m not I have a compromised immune system and I guess I’m just not able to have a relationship if it’s a requirement. It definitely is annoying.

4
[deleted]•

Thanks. Sometimes I feel like I must just be a straight girl “faking” liking women because I’m not the most keen on eating out. I don’t understand why I’m so squeamish when everyone else looooves it. But I’m a bit of a germaphobe so maybe that explains it...

27
litanyofgendlin•

omg I feel that SO much but I've never ever heard it said by anyone else before. I'm just not into oral very much bc I'm just squeamish and I have body dysmorphia and it seriously makes me question my sexuality because I love girls! I'm super into women! But the thing thats taken as the be all end all of lesbianism just doesn't turn me on... but I'm not into guys at all and I'm definitely not ace so it just makes me feel broken

16
foxglove333•

Girl don’t feel broken I feel the same I’m not really into sex with men and I kind of enjoy some cuddling light kisses but nothing more I’m super squeamish too and just can’t ever get much pleasure from sex. I think women are so beautiful sexy attractive romantically and a little bit sexually but it’s all confusing af lol.

3
Tiger_Moon•

same here! I have OCD & I don't like bodily fluids of any kind, not even my own really. and i always feel I must not truly like girls because of this issue but it's nice to know it's not uncommon

10
foxglove333•

Thanks for commenting yo I’ve always felt the same and scared to admit I’m just freaked out by germs, I also have really bad immune system and can’t even drink out of someone’s glass without getting sick.

1
dinascully•

Honestly straight women don’t get vilified for not liking to give or receive oral (by reasonable people, anyway) and I’ve never understood why the same courtesy can’t be afforded in the wlw community.

16
TheCheeseSquad•

Not true. Not true at all. As a bi woman in a hetero relationship, ive heard "oh but you mustn't like it because your partner isn't good enough". Trust me, "we" get vilified no matter what orientation you are. The fact that it's by other women in this case makes it much more abhorrent and despicable.

49
the_river_nihil•

Nah they get vilified all the time. And more recently, so do men who don’t go down.

On the one hand, everyone has a right to their sexual boundaries and doesn’t owe anyone an explanation for them.

On the other hand, no one should stay in a relationship where their sexual needs and desires are being ignored.

Both of these things can be true at the same time.

44
H0lyThr0wawayBatman•

Actually, in my experience, men find it really strange when a woman doesn't want to receive oral sex because it's portrayed in media as the best thing a man can possibly do for a woman in bed. When I used to date men, they always treated it as the magical ultimate act that was supposed to make me come.

I would always tell them they didn't have to, that it was never going to get me off. In fact, if I was close, and they stopped what they were doing (that was actually working!! Ugh!) to go down on me because they thought it'd send me over the edge... I'd lose my orgasm. Every. Fucking. TIME.

I told them all over and over that I didn't like oral, and they'd say "but I like doing it!" They took it as a challenge and always insisted on doing it every time we had sex. So I'd just let them think they were making their valiant effort and let them get it over with. And then I'd have to build back up to orgasm from scratch and get myself off with my fingers or a vibrator. Thanks, bro. 👍

Edit: sorry this was long... Clearly I have a lot of pent up frustration surrounding this subject. 😂

9
DeedlesTheMooseRainbow•

I posted (I think it was a lesbian subreddit actually, not sure which one) about being afraid of performing oral on my fiancée and I got comments about how people weren’t sure why she was with me for as long as she has been, or how they wouldn’t put up with that in a serious relationship.

I was hoping for some advice and encouragement, but I ended up deleting the post because I felt like some kind of failure of a lesbian/an embarrassment...

It’s something I’ve found I can comfortably do occasionally, and only if I’m really feeling it. I know sometimes my fiancée misses it, but she never pushes me. Lesbian sex is not porn. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s still sex.

16
IntheCenterRingOPRed Gay•

Fucking terrible honestly and it’s a shame I have pretty similar experience. Let this be your encouragement now, not only are you not alone, but they were also wrong.

7
[deleted]•

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

13
ophelia_aurielis•

I don't particularly feel comfortable with having it done to me, it makes me extremely anxious and I start freaking out every time I let someone try, with every partner I've had (male or female). I don't love performing it, but I don't dislike doing it either. My partner and I mostly just use our hands. We are happy, we've been happy, we still love each other and enjoy sexual activities.

11
Kodi_Boi•

wait wait wait, you don't need to like having cunnilingus/giving cunnilingus? what?? I'm so confused I thought you had to like it? my world is being shattered right now. I seriously thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to give head to a girl, I thought it made me less of a gay person. I'm so blown away thank you for making this post it's making me reevaluate my sexuality

11
GownAndOutNonbinary Lesbian, UK•

I've been in a situation where I felt pressured to do it, a long time ago. There's no hard feelings now, me and the other person were just young and caught up in this culture (if she reads this I hope she doesn't feel bad). Makes me sad to think kids today are still feeling these pressures :(

Not wanting to go down, either cos you feel it's not safe, or not enjoyable, is totally valid. It doesn't mean you don't fancy the person. People have all kinds of sexual boundaries and it's so weird how this one is framed as selfishness or squeamishness.

10
Any-Hope•

Your feelings are valid and screw anyone who doesn't respect that boundary. I enjoy it in both the giving and receiving. And though it wouldn't be a deal breaker in a relationship I would be disappointed.

I am in many ways demisexual and 99.9% of the time just don't feel physical attraction to others without emotional attachment. So yeah cohesion over any intimacy is very personal to me.

9
foxglove333•

Wow there’s a term for that? That’s interesting im the same way I have literally no attraction unless I’m deeply into that person mind and personality.

1
Any-Hope•

For me it doesn't require a deep emotional bond but some form of mental attraction and reciprocation. And that need isn't a one time thing. For me emotional foreplay is a real thing. But yes the deeper the bond the greater the always there attraction.

1
AdorabloodthirsteaPan•

Boundaries should always be respected. I don't like anyone going down on me, but I'm happy to for someone else. My partner is Ace, and I'm good with that, we have found other things that let me express my tensions without violating her boundaries, and we both enjoy them

9
mandy6919ActualOGLesbian•

My girlfriend loves to give, but isn't big on receiving. She says it's good for a warm up but she couldn't get off from it. So occasionally I get to go down on her for a few minutes, then she starts wanting more. And although I love doing it, I don't push her to let me do it more often/longer. I'm perfectly fine with going down long enough to get her soaked then using the strap on.

I've never understood why people try to persuade anyone to do things they don't really want to do. It totally kills the vibe and is just slimy.

I used to not enjoy it and my ex would sit there and INSIST on eating me out, and A: it made me feel like what I was giving wasn't enough. B: I wasn't totally comfortable with her doing it.

One time I decided to let her even though I wasn't feeling it, and my clit was too sensitive so instead of feeling good it actually hurt. So I'm sitting there squirming and trying my best to calm down and she stops and goes "What the fuck is wrong with you."

I was like 🙃🙃🙃 good question

9
ChronicallyBirdlove•

No one should be forced to interact with genitals unless they explicitly consent to it, whether giving or receiving. This should apply for all relationships regardless of identity. I’ve seen a lot of people say it’s anti-man/woman/trans/etc to not want to interact with genitals. Consent is key! There are other ways to please a partner without it.

7
Ananiujithaflightless•

If we can't respect personal boundaries, we end up with a lot of conflict over community boundaries... and a lot of potential for personal abuse.

6
gathering_cloudsTrans•

I'm sorry you had this reaction OP, someone's boundaries should be repected.

It doesn't make sense to define sexuality or attraction around a single sexual act. And there's the fact that there are women who don't have vaginas, but are still women and lesbians or in a lesbian / wlw relationship. That's something else I've seen this sub struggling with.

5†