I (F17) don't know how to deal with my parents, or anything for that matter.

TLDR; my life story God help me

So this is probably going to be quite a long post so buckle up. Also my first time posting on reddit so wish me luck.

❗!!WARNING this might be triggering to some readers; please go forward with caution!!❗

I'm an (almost) 17 year old girl, and lately I've been struggling to come to terms with my parents and my family situation, and honestly my whole life situation. My mother was 19 years old when she had me, and my father was considerably older than her. Like, 11 years or so. I was my mom's first child of course, and my dad's fourth. Well, tldr is; mom is mentally ill as shit, dad's a piece of shit who steals, lies, cheats, and manipulates and to go along with it my mom doesn't listen to authority. (aka my grandparents) I know that they considered aborting me, and almost did. But they didn't. Sometimes I question why, as it seems all of their problems would've been solved if they had.

My mom being the irresponsible and immature woman she was, and still is, couldn't take care of me. Her relationship with my father was abusive, and my grandparents weren't going to even consider letting me go into the system. Even though they were older, getting ready to finally take a break after their daughter was old enough to leave, they still took me in without a second thought. I haven't told this to many people, but while I was still in my mother's care I would 'chipmunk' my food in my cheeks. Meaning whenever I was fed by my grandmother, and then she'd leave for work or wherever else, I would save food in my cheeks as I didn't know when I'd eat next. My mother was neglectful, selfish, and sick. But I know she loved me. As for my father, he was as absent as they come. My mother truly believed in him, thinking we could have the average happy life of a family of three. Of course, that didn't happen and eventually my grandparents got gaurdianship over me.

Thinking about it, most people would be stressed about starting the whole child raising process over again but me and my grandparents (and someone I'll speak of in a moment) celebrate it every year as a happy occasion. By no means was my childhood awful. I had a good childhood, and after I was a year old, my mom and father, whom don't know how to use a fucking condom for once, got pregnant with my younger brother. We were 11 months apart. Mom got postpartum psychosis and was sent deeper into it thanks to my father. That was the end for even the slightest hope my grandparents had for my mom and dad.

Dad gets arrested for fraud or some shit, mom starts going to college and visits my brother and I every now and then. Brother and I don't really have contact with other 3 siblings (one I still haven't met to this day). Everyday life is good, I was too young and happy to realize underlying issues. It was my sense of normal. My grandparents were my mom and dad, my brother my best friend and playmate and we lived very contently for the next 5-6 years in our countryside home. But unfortunately the most painful thing I've had to come to terms with, is that I'll never get those days back. You never realize the gravity of something you've had until you've lost it, or realize the importance of something you've never had until you find it.

Between the few years stuff was relatively peaceful for me, my dad continued abusing my fragile mother. She got pregnant again with my second full blooded brother. He was quiet, unlike my other brother. A calm, soft, and warm child. My mother had custody of him. I remember the pain I'd felt when she'd take him away from us, even though I was only 5 or so, it broke my heart. I was the leader type as a child, a big sister. Yeah sure I was one hell of a crybaby but I loved being in charge. I think back then is when I first started building up resentment towards my mother for taking my sibling away. Another year passed and she was pregnant once again by my father. In hindsight, I actually had two more siblings, that were half siblings from my dad. My father had cheated on my mother both times she was pregnant with another woman, and had gotten her pregnant as well. We didn't know until later.

I was over the moon when I heard I was going to have a little sister. Ever since the moment I heard of her existence I absolutely adored her. Sadly after she turned one, my great grandfather passed away leaving my grandparents devistated and in financial strain from taking care of us, and now my grandmother's parents. There truly is no limit to their compassion, is there? 6 months later and my great grandmother passed away as well. I was too young to understand, but ever since that happened my grandmother wasn't the same. She lost both of her parents, the house she grew up in, and then we lost our house.

Around that time I began to gain weight due to sneaking extra food, and eating to de-stress myself. Ever since I was young I'd had a bad relationship with it apparently. Anyways, our big family and all my relatives started falling apart, we went bankrupt and had to move. It was a very very hard time. My mom was STILL with my father, and she still had custody of my youngest brother and my sister. But still, everything felt.. Kind of okay to me. I had my grandma and grandpa, I had my brother. No matter we went we were still a family. They were my home and always will be. Welp we moved to the city over, but continued going to school in the other city we grew up in.

I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed to see my dad often until I was about 9. It was a total bomb shell, and it honestly made too much sense. I was still a normal kid, liked Pokémon, playing outside, watching YouTube videos and dancing on the bed blasting Katy Perry. Had some pretty bad anxiety, got therapy (thanks to my awesome grandmeemoo and grandpapy). Decent school life, but still had to deal with my mom's shit. A vivid memory for me is when my mom had one of her episodes. I locked my youngest siblings in the bathroom with me, and held them close to me while she screamed at my grandparents. There were lots of times like that. Being honest my siblings probably had it way worse than me. They actually lived with her. As I grew, my resentment did as well.

A little bit on my mom's illness; she has borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, postpartum psychosis (she's recovered from that), and was mentally younger than 14 when she got with my dad. She's been to multiple doctors, countless therapists, all of it. But the thing is, my mom doesn't want to get better.

My dad was again cut off from my life pretty much at an intimate level, only really being there for fun events. He was just a fun time dad. I didn't hate him, but I didn't view him as my dad. Mom graduated college God bless her, and got a better stand on her feet. We had to move again, but didn't mind since we were moving back to my home town. I was now in third grade, and once again I was content. For about 6 months lol. Mom got away from dad, (YES GORL) and got with a decent guy? Problem; guys' in Tennessee, we're in California. What does mom do? Leaves me and my grandparents, takes kids, goes after man, gets pregnant again. Seems like a pretty decent pattern, eh? Well, it don't stop!

My mother was now physically sick as well, she had ulcerative colitis. Her man ended up cheating on her, and she came back to stay with my grandparents and us along with my other siblings. She had a miscarriage. Totally. Devistating.

We lived in a 3 bedroom home with 7 people for a bit before she moved 7 hours away again. I was absolutely terrified. I was now in 5th grade, and remembering what happened in Tennessee, seeing them turn away to get on the plane and everything. Just, losing my siblings. I didn't want to lose my siblings. I hated her for it, I loathed that woman for taking them away from me. I loathed that man for breaking her, for making her run away. And even so more I loathed myself for not understanding anything. Everything was okay again but my grades were slacking. School blamed my grandparents cause those fuckers were dumb. And, I started drowning myself in the internet. Lol cause that actually fucking helped.

Mom got pregnant again, not surprisingly. This time another little boy. Her new man was an alcoholic and so once again they moved back in with us. My dad also moved in with us. I don't know why, but it all seems like a blur. I was angry because I missed it being my family of four, but I was relieved I had my siblings. I hated my dad, but I had missed my mother. I was happy to be a big sister.

Something, happened though. My mom got extremely ill, because of her colitis. The pregnancy didn't help, and her body was giving out. I was terrified. We thought she was going to die but she didn't. She had to get her colon removed, and now had a colostomy bag after giving birth to my new youngest brother. It was hell. I've never seen my grandmother suffer or my mother suffer like that. I love my mom regardless. She's gotten more than enough pain for her sins.

Things turned up. Grandpa got a raise, so we moved to a bigger house. We helped my mother onto her feet and my dad left again. Mom moved an hour away with her three kids, and once again everything was okay. Except, it wasn't. I was depressed now, everything had begun too much and I'd turn to an older guy online. He was my first relationship, and was sexually abusive as they come for online guys. He wasn't an adult yet but he was about 16 while I was 14. Whenever I angered him he'd pressure me into sending him pictures of my body, but it was okay because I loved him. Right? Wrong. I was absolutely disgusted with myself and eventually the problem reared its ugly head, and he left me after I sent him multiple videos and pictures. He'd come back now and again to get a rise out of me. And eventually I numbed myself. I didn't tell anyone. I dealt with it completely by myself, as suicidal as I was I lived. As depressed as I got I kept going.

I had a decent grip of myself at the age of 14. The one thing I did have that was stable, was my love from my grandparents and my friends. Up until freshman year came though. I confessed to my friends the truth about my ex, and the truth about my thoughts. They cut me off. Spread rumors. Think anything nasty someone could do without physically harming someone, they did it. Sometimes I'd question if God was punishing me for being selfish. And then I get another answer after my mother got into a car accident, lost her job, and had to move back in with us again. The afternoon before she had gotten into the wreck, with my siblings in the car by the way, she had begged me to let her cuddle me. Being the preteen I was I said no, and she pouted, telling me that she might die tomorrow. I laughed it off. That night was the night I first attempted suicide.

But, I woke up. And I kept going. I confessed to my grandmother my pains, and she got me into counseling. I had one friend left from school who eventually became my best friend. Almost dated a guy, but was too socially awkward. I had 0 self confidence, was disgusted with myself, and hated every ounce of my body. I realized I didn't want to live like this, and drowned myself in a video game called mystic messenger. Totally absorbed in it, I was okay again. My grades were shit sure, I used to be smart sure, but I was alive. Grandma got sick yes, mom was sicker than ever having seizures from the brain damage she got in the car accident yep, but hey, I was alive.

I was alive but I wasn't living.

Everytime I'd try to get up I'd fall again, with whatever I did. School, social stuff, anything. I was just this chubby awkward 15 year old now, who liked hot Anime boys and video games. Sure my mom was fucked up, I hated my dad's guts by that time too. He was now trying to makeup for all the pain he'd cause, hah sorry little too late fucker. But, still I forgave him. Or at least I'm able to now.

We moved again, mom was moved out but we still had all of the kids. I was distant from my family and resentful, I loved them of course but I was too sick to give them the love they deserved. Made more online friends, fucked over by another school, another friend, and I got fed up and become something I despised.

A whiny pussy ass bitch who fucked with people because she wanted to feel something other than hatred, sympathy maybe?

After months and months of it, hating and hating, myself, her, him, them, I got fed up with myself. Suicidal as fuck, self harm, you name it sista. And then, I had a mental trip at 3 am, and decided that I was going to change.

For real this time.

And. I did. Kinda

Yo I'm almost 17 now. There's honestly so much more and so much in between and more to come. I got help, meds, did the therapy as I should've, started caring about myself and poured myself into my siblings. I didn't have a reason to live so I made one, for the happiness of them. Even though I was mad I turned that into sympathy and empathy my dude. I got abandoned, by those disgusting fucks back in freshman year and honestly fuck ya'll. I've changed so much. And yet Yet, it still fucking sucks. They've moved out again now but fuck man, am I drowning. Schools fucked, they're gone now, and I was relieved. It was killing my grandparents. My mother was never grateful. My father never willing to help, no one willing to help because their own shit was way more important.

So tell me reddit users, the angels of the internet. What. Do. I. Do. I've done everything I know how. I forgave them, I protected them, I protected myself. And I still feel so bitter. Like justice is unserved perhaps? My dad wants back in my life, my mother is still horrid maybe even worse. So selfish and mean towards my grandparents. And they're still suffering! Because of me none the less. It's like swirling in thoughts that I want to ignore but they're always there. When I see them every morning, when I help my grandma into bed at night, taking care of her in return now. Crying myself to sleep. I'm on meds, I have a life, but I'm still fucked up. I'm fucked up real good. I was diagnosed with ptsd, severe depression and anxiety last year and it still doesn't feel real.

Can you guys give me advice on how to recover, how to feel real? I can't abandon my siblings. But is there something I can do for them, for myself? Is there some way I can learn to completely forgive my parents for everything they've done to hurt my grandma and grandpa and siblings? Is there anyway I can forgive our family and friends and relatives and everyone for just sitting by and watching us suffer at the selfish hands of my mother as she milked them dry of every emotion?

I just want an answer. I want people to know, I don't want to be alone anymore. So please reddit angels could you just, give me some advice?

Thank you for listening to my life, I know it's long. And if you're here to the end like this, thank you so much for listening to my story.