The Mohel

(I like to write what I believe to be humorous, also some very surreal and often ugly stuff in the form of short stories.)

​

The Mohel

The year is 140 BC. There I am, 20 minutes and 15 left to go. I got drunk and bet the King of Jerusalem that I could circumcise all the gentiles in one day for 100 denarius or be fed to the lions. It would of been easy if I hadn't dropped my ceremonial knife down the side of the shitting hill.

I was rushing to the next house now, frantically thinking of what I was going to do, pull it off? I scanned the area as I went, no time to stop, got to find something sharp. I arrive at the house too soon. A baby is laid out on a table, ready for the procedure.

I stand there a moment, clutching my robes, clenching my teeth. That's it! My teeth! I bite down on that son of a bitch like it's no one's business and the deal is done, I assure the parent's it's God's will and if they interfere they will burn in hell.

I have to pick up the pace, no time to spit out the flesh, I kick off my sandals and sprint through the sand to the next house, a grown man. HOLD HIM DOWN.

King: How did you do it! Amazing!
Me: mmmm mmhm uhmm mmm
King: Speak up! I cannot hear you!

A guard slaps me on the back and a bloody bouquet of foreskins burst from my mouth.

Me: I AM THE MOHEL