Source
r/PregnancyAfterLoss•
ithink

Please don't tell me "congrats"

I don't know why this bothers me so much. I really don't want to tell anyone that I'm pregnant because I don't want them to say "congrats." It feels too soon in the pregnancy to say it. Even if we make it past the point where I lost my first pregnancy, it just feels like there's so much that can go wrong.

I know I'll have to tell people eventually and deal with their reactions. They're going to be excited, and they'll be confused when I'm very matter-of-fact. They're not going to understand why I don't want to talk about it much and am not making a ton of plans.

Any ideas for how to let people know you're pregnant again while preserving your fragile mental peace?

Posted Nov 16, 2019, 7:45 PM UTC

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turtleshot19147•

In Judaism, we’re not supposed to say congratulations to a pregnant woman because of all the things that can go wrong. Instead we say a phrase in Hebrew that translates to “at a good time”, that’s supposed to have the connotation of “may this all go well and have a happy conclusion ‘at the right time’”.

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ithinkOP•

I love that. I wish that tradition were more widespread.

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frogsgoribbit737CP 10/16, MMC 3/17 | 💙 4/9•

That sounds so much nicer. I'm sick of people congratulating us. We are not even close to the end.

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ninal2003🌈 🎀: EDD 7/17•

It’s probably the hormones but this concept has my tears flowing! That’s perfect.

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IronMaidenExcellent1 MMC | 🌈 March '20•

I tear up all the time at reddit oof.

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IronMaidenExcellent1 MMC | 🌈 March '20•

Was literally about to say this! This plus the whole thing of not having baby stuff in the house until you have a baby in your arms is very much appreciated by this PAL mama.

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Slopey1884🌈 Due 6/9/2020 after 🌈 LC '15 and 7 losses•

I feel the same way. I hate the congrats and the excitement and the horror/confusion when I’m not mirroring their happy emotions.

My strategy has been to respond to the congrats with, “Thanks. It’s been a long time coming and we’ve lost many getting to this point, so we’re nervous but optimistic.” I resolved that anyone who I’d be telling would just have to be OK getting that info right off the bat. I’m not sure what I would say otherwise.

I’ve also gotten more comfortable with the reality that other people’s reactions to things (including their reactions to my reactions/feelings) aren’t really my problem and I don’t need to respond to their issues unless it’s because I did something wrong. And you haven’t done anything wrong.

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drmuse1030F | TTC since 5/18 | 1MC 6/19 | 🌈 EDD 6/20•

Exactly this. I say “we’re cautiously excited” and people usually get the picture. I also like the mantra — other people’s reactions/opinions/thoughts have nothing to do with me. It helps in the moments we’re feeling overwhelmed.

Deep breaths, love. We can do this.

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cantdodgelauren•

I can relate. For sure. For me, I think it’s more the having to go back and tell people I’m not pregnant anymore. Or, when you’ve already informed everyone of the miscarriage and someone you haven’t seen or talked to asks how everything’s going. It’s so repetitive and painful. I just can’t anymore. I feel for you. I thought I was in the clear on this last one, Twins, told my 6 year old and had to tell him that I lost one one of them (13w) and deal with his questions and pain. “Maybe he’ll start growing again” “will the other one be lonely “ Ugh.

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turquoisebeeMC 06/19 | EDD Apr 24•

I ran into an old friend right around when I was finally telling a wider selection of people, and she was like “Oh, congratulations! I mean - congratulations?” as if she was checking that I was actually happy about being pregnant, which I appreciated. (From a PAL and a pro-choice perspective.)

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