Rum and Light Bulbs

last summer i was single and alone and bored on a friday night so naturally i decided to get myself sideways on my favorite beverage, rum and coke (oh who am i kidding, it's mostly rum with a coke chaser). at one point about 2 hours into this session i have to let nature take it's course. i go to the bathroom, and flip on the light, which promptly zaps out.

in my infinite wisdom i decided it was high time to replace the bulb. i pull a stool into the bathroom and climb up to remove the dome that covers the lights. it's one of those things that is held in by three pins that screw in. not paying attention really to what i was doing, i removed the first pin, and then the second without holding up the dome.

naturally the dome succubms to gravity and falls toward the floor. it smacks on the vanity and shatters into pieces, one of which landed vertically like a knife blade into the middle toe on my right foot.

being well well well past the amount of blood/alcohol volume for a normal human, my foot begins to bleed profusely. i lay down in the bathroom with my bleeding foot raised up over the bathtub and after about 20 minutes it finally stops bleeding. i stand up to go grab paper towels from the kitchen, take my first step on my right foot, and blood goes squirting like a fountain out of my toe, somethign straight out of a B-horror flick. all over the walls and carpet just outside the bathroom.

i realize i'm losing a whole lot of blood, so hop on my left foot to the kitchen, grab the roll of paper towels and a conveniently waiting roll of duct tape. there in my kitchen i wrap my bloody foot in paper towels and duct tape, lay down, and pass out.

i woke up about 35 minutes later and survey the damage. i follow the trail of blood toward the bathroom, see blood squirted on the walls and carpet outside the bathroom, blood on the door, broken glass everywhere, blood on the floor of the bathroom and bathmat, and a whole shit ton of blood in the tub.

i couldn't walk right for about a week. felt like what i imagine a broken toe would feel like.

tl;dr i ate an entire commuter train piece by piece after derailing it with my penis