i'm planning on tonight. (crosspost from r/depression)

've been a self-harming since i'm a young kid. I've dealt with depression and a bunch of other stupid diagnosis. i've been in and out of hospitals a total of 6 times. I'm so tired of it all. I switched to cutting on my legs are whatever a while ago, but today was the first time I cut my my arms a bunch in a long time. It felt wonderful. It gives me courage to go through with it. My friends aren't my friends anymore. I can't work. I'm failed out of the program i was in in college. I have nothing goin for my life. The one thing I had left was the love I thought was had in my relationship. But now I realize he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. He's always yelling at me, getting angry. Now when we argue, he puts his hands on me. The one person I thought I had, I can no longer trust. there's nothing keeping me here. And I feel like I've been prolonging this moment for too long. I've been living off of sleeping pills, sedatives and pain killers for the past tow or three days. None of it is helping at all. Sure, I know, its unhealthy. On paper, logically in my mind, I'd be able to have a very rational list of suggestions to try and help a person in my situation. but what I'm feeling... I can't escape it. i feel like it time to just take matters into my own hands and finish all this pain I go through every day. You can say its selfish, I agree. all ive ever tried to do is please people. i don't care if i'm selfish now. i just dont know what to do. I just want to disappear and not feel or think anything anymore.

i have enough pills to knock me out. but i'm not relying on that alone. I have my little collection of razors and exacto blades. i want it to be thorough. I don't want anyone to find me or to fail again... being in a state hospital is like cruel punishment. i'll never go back there. so if i'm gonna do it, ill do it right.

i feel like that guy from that old movie, where he keeps trying to kill himself and keeps failing? i forget what its called...