I need some help here...

Sorry if I sound cliche or douchy, but I need some help. I'll try to keep it short

I was bullied most my life for my size, I grew up being hated by everyone and that hate has followed me into college. I don't see myself as a human being anymore, more of like a charity case that everyone is forced to either be nice to or ignore. I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years, not because I can't get a girl, but because I hate everyone. I can't trust people. I've tried but every time I let someone in, they stab me in the back. My brother makes sure that every day he reminds me what a piece of shit i am. He waves his life around in my face, bragging about his girlfriend and his friends and how I don't have the looks or the charisma he has. Everyday he reminds me that I'm no one. the thought of dying is relieving to me, it doesn't scare me at all (im also an atheist).

When I was in highschool, the only group of people who loved me for who I was were the stoners. I still smoke pot today, and I love it. I only do it on the weekends because I need to concentrate for school. When I smoke, the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders; i listen to music, read, and think about life. When I smoke i enjoy being alive, and that attitude stays with me for days after I smoke. Marijuana is not an escape drug, I'm not that kind of person. I don't smoke when Im sad, im just happy when I smoke. Unfortunately I live in a society that thinks that I'm a criminal for doing so. I live in a world that hates me, and doesn't want me to get better. I remember wrestling in high school; some days I couldn't eat lunch because i had to lose weight, I would sit there in the lunch room starving and emaciated. I would sit there while my teammates would dangle food in front of my face and taunt me. My own friends.

My parents think depression isn't real, so my earlier cries for help just ended in them saying "man up". My parents blamed me for everything. To them I feel as though I'm a waste of money on their part, a bad investment, a mistake. My brother was always the favorite since he survived a life threatening disease when he was 16. He is worth more money. Every time him or his friends messed up the house my parents would make me clean it up. one time he got in a fight with my neighbor and broke our front door. I got punished and they made me fix it even though I wasn't even there when it happened. when i was younger, my brother used to hold me down by putting his knees on my arms and hitting me in the face over and over. One time we got in a fight; he his me so hard is broke his pinky. I got in trouble. He used to hold me down and spit in my mouth and intentionally get me sick. My parents never did anything about it. to their defense, he is worth more.

The only thing that loved me was my dog. Had her from when i was 6 months old. when my parents fought or my brother would beat me up, I would hide in my room and cry. i'd hear my dog pawing at my locked bedroom door. I'd let her in and she'd lick my face. I loved her so much. She died when I was 14. Imagine having the only thing that gave you unconditional love die on you; then going to school and getting bullied that same day. I fucking hate this world.

Suicide has been on my mind for some time now. I think about a year and a half. Playing out how I would do it has become an everyday thing. The answer to everything is "kill yourself". I do not think I'll actually kill myself anytime soon. But, I'm only 20 and I want to die. I've been doing shit like driving without a seatbelt, crossing the street without looking, etc.

Sorry it's so long