Everyone important to me is gone because of my autism

I havent been able to connect with anyone my entire life. I was quickly denied any emotional support from my parents, I never had friends throughout nearly all of school, and its come to my attention that things arent going anywhere with my partner. the one thing thats kept me alive the past several years was them, and the hope of a future together. I visited them this last summer, and i consider it to be the most important 11 days of my life. recently their mom and the actual ramifications of me working is leading to me blocking everyone out of my life, leaving me alone to my room, including them. I've tried explaining why i feel this way, and always have really, but i lack communication skills and im subsequently met with anger.

As im writing this im looking at the jars of crushed up antidepressants ive been saving for around a year. Thousands of mgs of nortriptyline, thousands of mgs of mirtazapine.

I still feel bliss when I think about those 11 days, it felt like the only time in my life i could actually grasp onto and feel something. If im being truthful to myself they were really just a mirage to a life that was never meant to be. nonetheless i hope it can be the last thing i think of when i go out