I'm a piece of shit

I have 1 friend. In the world there is one person that likes me to a certain extent. She has helped me with everything. Even when my family has blackmailed me and hated me since birth, beaten me, broken me and everything else, shes been by my side.

She's talked me out of cutting my own wrists and even killing myself. Shes there for me whenever I need her. Same time I'm there for her and I've stopped her from hurting herself a few times and we talk a lot about anything and everything.

A couple of days ago I was in a really bad way. Very self hating, very angry about everything. A lot of things went against me and I lost it in college. I decided it was a good idea to steal around 10ml of mercury. Damn I felt like shit. But I turned to her for help. This time however, she wasnt there. And that hurt a lot.

I tried reaching out to her yesterday aswell and there was still no response. I was hating all and in my anger found a scapegoat in her. I ended up writing a 7000 character essay about how I hate everything. I sent it to her. And i knew as soon as she read it i was wrong.

I just let all of my anger out on this poor girl and it was entirely my fault. I just felt so bad I decided her continued friendship wasnt worth anything to me. But that's not true. It means everything to me.

Now I've written a 6000 character apology and I've sent it to her and shes accepted my apology and says she still wants to be friends. But I don't feel it. I don't deserve a friend like her. I don't deserve any help or attention from her. She should be happy and all I've done is make her sad.

What hurts more than the anger though is the disappointment I know feel. It isn't quite suicidal like the anger but it hurts my heart more than anything other than making her upset.

I now have literally nothing for me on this earth except the mercury. And its waiting for me but I wanna make myself suffer so the next best thing i guess is to not do it. Or to take a little and let it hurt me. Idk.

Point is fuck me. I'm sorry S for everything. I don't deserve your friendship and you deserve to be happy beyond comparison be cause you're the greatest person I've ever known.

Also posted on r/TIFU because I don't want people to turn out like me