I don’t know what to do about my JNMum.

Hold on folks cause this ones a long one.

My mother & I haven’t always had the best relationship. We’re very alike in ways that clash, were both very blunt & harsh. Both my parents were pretty useless during my childhood, both abusive in different ways. My mother was very verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. She’s never changed. She’s always picked men over me, always allowed boyfriends/friends to berate me about whatever flaw they’ve seen, when I was 18 she made me move 4 hours away from my hometown & in with her boyfriend & his father who I didn’t know. I held my tongue most of the time because it was never worth the bullshit that came with fighting it. That’s until her boyfriend killed one of my dogs and nearly killed the other. I was very clear about the fact that my big dog didn’t like little dogs as they antagonise her, he didn’t believe me and she attacked one of our little dogs. I was 4 hours away at the time of the attack, but I copped the blame for it even though he let her in the house when I wasn’t there. I was swiftly kicked out of my mothers house because I wouldn’t tolerate being the punching bag anymore, I wouldn’t allow her boyfriend to try and intimidate me anymore. I wouldn’t allow her to take nasty digs at me. I was so heartbroken that my dog died that I couldn’t take the pain anymore so when she kicked me out, I left. It didn’t stop her from trying to get her claws back in me though. Through the past 4 years now, she has kept taking digs at me & out of respect for my nan, I stayed quiet. I didn’t want any fighting when my nan had taken me in when she didn’t have too. A year ago or so I was diagnosed with cancer. Immediately my mother saw the opportunity to milk sympathy out of people, she started being nice to me, started trying to “help me” while her boyfriend & friends still took whatever dig they could at me, she seemed to wanna help me & lift me up. I thought she was doing it because she realised her mistakes but I was wrong. She posted about my cancer at any chance she got, while the rest of my family asked & saw that it was quite a hard time for me both self esteem wise & mentally, she saw it as a card to play with everyone.. when we got the news that I would be fine & that I was finally in remission, she went back to how she usually was, cold, calculating & nasty. She went from trying to lift me up to tearing me down. Guilt tripping me for what I put her though when I was sick. I finally broke & had a massive mental break down, nothing but animals helped me so my entire family decided it’d be a good idea that I get a psychiatric service dog, it was on the condition that I got a place of my own big enough for myself & the dog. I jumped through every hoop to get this dog & finally she’s mine but yet again it was made all about my mother.. my mother chipped in a fair amount of money for this dog, to be fair. She said it was a Christmas present, which I was fine with. We have a family group chat, everyone was asking what to get one another, so I made a list and sent it in that. Just small things for my new home & pup. My mother went off calling me selfish & horrible because I “specifically asked her for more things like the dog wasn’t enough” I left the group chat not wanting to deal with it but she proceeded to text me telling me how much of a liar & horrible person I am. That I’ll never amount to anything. That she’s going to take the dog away from me because I don’t deserve her anymore. I finally snapped and told her to leave me alone. She hasn’t. I’m not answering now.

I feel so broken.. I don’t understand why my mother can’t love me.. what’s so wrong with me that she can’t love me? I’m sorry to just dump all this on you guys but I don’t know where else to ask for advice. I don’t want to make her out to be horrible to family friends ect. I just want her to love me...