I tried to do it last night Idk what held me back I guess I’m still scared but today I’ll try again even though I’m gonna end it over something stupid

I’m 20 and my life is basically over I’m stuck obsessed with this girl and it’s killing me already. I’m an alcoholic and I can’t do anything right I couldn’t even keep a friendship with this girl and now she hates me and I just want to be gone before she married this guy because I don’t think I could handle it I just wish someone could kill me so I don’t deal with the fear