TIFU by not pulling over when I should've.

This happened around 7:15am EST. But the lead up has us starting at 6:15pm EST yesterday.

So, I work 3rd shift as a private caretaker for this old couples developmentally disabled son. For this story he will go by variations on the word "Individual". He's about 40. So it's 6:15pm and I just got in the house. I have about 45 minutes until my individual gets dropped off by his parents. Now ever since I got up that afternoon I had the absolute worst farts. But I've dealt with that before, plus my individual thinks bodily functions are funny (he's like a toddler on the inside what are you going to do eh).

Anyway I do a little light cleaning, get our night and this morning set up and ready.

He comes home at 7:15pm and goes to his room and plays with his toys. His parents tell me how his day went and they go back to their home. (My individual lives in his own house that his parents bought btw).

The night goes pretty well. He eats his snack, gets his meds, and gets dressed for bed with no problem. Around 9:45pm he tells me he's ready for bed. So we go to his bedroom, I get him laid down, and text his parents to let them know he's ready for bed so they can do nightly prayers. The individual is asleep moments after the parents leave so I finish up my cleaning and decide to finish up The Good Place on Netflix.

It's now midnight, on the fucking dot, and it hits me.

Oh no.

𝙊𝙃 𝙉𝙊.

I run to the bathroom and shit what I can equate to an entire Folgers can of the brown stuff. Mostly because that's what it looked like. Then, every hour on the hour, I go back to the bathroom and it starts getting lighter and lighter. Except for around 3:00am when whatever I have decided to use the up escalator.

Until my individual gets up at around 5:00am in which case I have to stay with him and wait to use the bathroom until his mom comes over at 6:30am to give him his CBD (where I am, it's not a medication so I can't give it to him).

Praise the Lord because she was on time. And the moment she opened the front door I became the fastest man alive and shot off to the bathroom to shoot out some more butt water. When I came back into the living room the mom was flabbergasted and asked me what just happened. I told her and all she said to me was "you could've called, go home."

So I pack up my things, clock out and start to head home. Until my body decided I should go make a light deposit at the gas station down the road. So I pull in, use it, and buy the biggest bottle of water they sell, because you know, dehydration, and start up my trip again.

Now it's about 7:10am and I feel it in my stomach. The third of the water bottle I just drank decides it doesn't want to be digested and the fastest way out of my body is to pull a U-turn in my digestive system and come back up.

"Breathe KR, you're almost home." I tell myself.

7:12am: it's knocking on my teeth almost. But I keep driving.

7:13am: the feeling left.

7:14am: just as I started feeling safe, it's back, and it brought friends and a warrant. I just turned onto my street, I can see my mailbox. If I just hold it for a little bit longer I can make it into my yard.

7:15am: It happened. Just as I threw my car into park, the gut soup comes shooting out of my mouth with the speed of a surface to air missile. All over my windshield, my dash, my steering wheel, and most importantly, myself.

So as I sit there in shock and defeast, I realize, that was only the 1st wave. I explode out of my car and bend over just as my mouth explodes with more of that delicious acid chowder.

I go inside, strip down in the doorway, throw my clothes in the washer and head for the showers. Now as I sit on the toilet waiting for what I hope to be the end of this hell, I type this to you, the audience.

TL;DR: threw up all over my car and myself because I trust myself way too much. Now I'm going to see if one can OD on Imodium and go to bed. Good morning, good evening, and goodnight.