I’ve gotten myself into a big mess

I’m left out by everyone and I feel something is wrong with my thinking

I have no idea where it started. I go here because I’ve got nobody to talk to. Basically, somewhere in my younger years, I started going out in the garden as I was very deprived from social activities. I started playing with the weird creatures I saw and rapidly gained an interest in insects. Me, being the idiot I am, shared this new-found hobby in the class, and that gained me notoriety amongst the entire school. I had clowned myself and I was horribly mocked for it.

Fast forward to secondary school and I see students getting into relationships. Me, already having destroyed my image in school, and since both of my parents having full-time jobs, didn’t have time or get a chance to see anyone outside of school. I found these relationships absurd and mocked students for dating each other.

I always had been told that I’d get married to a beautiful woman, and I never had a problem with that. It was until I had reach puberty, and the rest of the students talked about developing ‘feelings’. I, being the socially deprived person I am, never understood that and ridiculed people desiring a relationship. I saw girls of all shape and sizes, but something in me couldn’t snap! I overheard students talking abut ‘porn’ and that it was ‘the best thing’. I checked it out, and was utterly horrified and repulsed. Back then, I had no friends, so I simply couldn’t fathom how everyone was getting a girlfriend and why would they want to do it.

Somewhere when I was at high school, I met a student who had recently been enrolled into this school. We got along pretty well, and I felt another thing: he had treated me like a friend. I never had anybody who really treated me like one, they always said I was a friend but put everyone else above me. I was avoided by all. None of that happened with him. Soon enough, I began to feel something, like, I couldn’t describe it at first. I felt as though I had to be with him all the time, as though I wanted to be with him. He also was quite physical with me and it became more promise as time progressed. Sometimes I’d catch him staring at me, and once I noticed him intentionally bumping into me, slowing down as he walked past.

After that he moved schools, and I was friendless once again. I soon came to the conclusion that because of my social deprivation and my horribly absurd hobby led to my exclusion, and that the reason I had not intended on dating anyone was because of my lack of interaction with people, and that I had never bothered with it. After that I began breaking down, and a wave of fury would strike me whenever I saw a couple in the hallway, or even friends, it would remind me of a love I will never experience. It tore me apart seeing people who are being complimented for their personality but lock me out like I’m an enemy, and after that, I began (shamefully admit) to masturbate, and very frequently. I didn’t do it to anything, I just did it, because it made me feel like I’m being hugged or something.

Once it wore off I would realise what I’d done and cry on the spot. I would spend time alone and just do it again after 6 hours or do it until I sleep. I’m hurt by the neglect at school. My parents give me everything, but it’s not easy to tell them they raised a failure. I’ve tried to end it before but unfortunately the rifle had jammed.

I’m back to my place, I regret everything I’ve ever done, and wish I could re-live everything and be a normal person for once.