My college "friends" are having fun on their own, it makes me want to cry, and I feel bitter about not being thought of/invited at least once to have fun with them.

Let me start this off with the fact that I'm a 2nd year music major in college, and part of the course requires the students to make bands together and play in front of people. But I don't feel like I'm being seen as an actual member/friend, even when in my band. When we have to practice we do get along and we get things done, but after every rehersal, I'm just playing the third wheel in a 6-person band.

For about a good couple of years now, I don't think I've felt any positive emotions for the longest of time, and when I do feel anything, it's either anger, numbness, excruciating (psychological) pain, and/or sadness. I know that my family, friends and boyfriend would be devastated if something happened to me, and this makes me feel so guilty, it's practically heaving on my shoulders.

For some odd reason I'm that person that was always picked on at school, the person that nobody thinks to invite when going out, the person that's just in the background and only called on when anyone needs something from them. I'm just tired of feeling irrelevant (at least I believe that it's what this is), because it's been too long since I've just been hanging out with a small group of people.

A few days ago hit hard to home because it turned out that apparently everyone else (including a few other people from a different group) made a group chat that I wasn't invited into all because of me "not smoking weed/doing drugs like they do", and have decided to go out after class and have some fun (get something to eat and have a few drinks) before the gig that we had to play as part of our assessment for a live performance module. I was left out. I only found out about their plans when they started talking about them in front of me.

And it's not just the group chat. I don't get included in many live conversations either. The group that I tag along with has formed their own kind of clique and I'm just a side character, watching them all have fun. Meanwhile all of this is making me so bitter, I feel like I don't even belong anywhere anymore.