Closure

As I lay here in bed having my morning coffee (something you got me started on), I can’t seem to get you off my mind. It’s you 24/7! I just want it to stop already!! I can’t help to feel as is if you owe me something.... CLOSURE! You can’t walk out of someone’s life after 5 yrs so selfishly especially someone you’re”so in love” with and leave them like you’ve left me. I’ve done and given you absolutely EVERYTHING that I have to offer as a person. In return to be shut out like you’ve done to me. I’ll never understand how anyone can do this to another person. I’ve even broken NC (initiated by you) for a lot of reasons but mainly because I need to know if this is absolutely the end of us?! I’m trying to wrap my head around it and let you go but you’re grip is still so tight. Let me the F go!!! Stop playing with me already. If you’re not willing to do what it is I expect in a life long partner then so be it but don’t hold me back or better yet sabotage my life. You’re going on with yours while I sit here in pain , not saying you aren’t either but you are so cold. I’ve met my match hands down but I’m not trying to play these games anymore! You win damnit, I’m waving my white flag!! I can’t do this anymore and I want off this crazy ass ride of ours. I never intended in hurting you. I went in as vulnerable and unguarded as I have ever been when we first met. Only to find out that you were on the opposite tracks going the opposite way than I was BUT I stayed BECAUSE I thought I had to help. We were put into each other’s lives for a reason. Your way of loving is what I needed at that point in time and I was your true and faithful you so deserved as a man for once in your life. While you recognized the changes you had to make as a man to finally mend peace from within for your past of ways of being. You just had a funny way of expressing it by keeping yourself a little secret. Only setting me up and my mind of fuckery up for failure. As I was damaged but you knew nothing because you never asked and I never told you. I believed everything you told me about yourself as I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and was going to put all my doubts out of sight out of mind (what I believed would help me into a new relationship) without allowing the effects of my previous and ONLY 17 year long relationship to cloud my judgement. Yes it damaged me but I knew in my heart that not every man was the same. I would be dammed if I was going to be the one reason holding me back from fulfilling me dream of “ever lasting love”I have only ever wanted as a little girl. I truly believe I deserve that as I’ve done nothing wrong to be receiving this type of treatment from men. It’s almost like you were too good to be true. And now I sit here in sorrow all alone broken into a million puzzle pieces once again left to put myself back together. I don’t think you understand what it takes to accomplish this task. Best believe I’ll do it again but in doing so if I haven’t heard from you by the time I get to your piece again consider yourself a little place holder while I set off to find your missing piece of a replacement. Accountability is a hard pill to swallow... stick your tongue out and say “ahhh”. I took mine with a strong shot of stand the fuck up, you should try it!

Forever & Always, RAM