i tried really hard to be happy this week

usually i just stay busy so i’m not left alone with my thoughts. but this week really sucked, and it didn’t help that i drove probably a total of 24 hours this week for family and friends. what’s worse is that i haven’t spent more than four hours each between four houses of my peoples.

it’s four hours after a rave and i’m just alone, except around family and friends. and when i’m alone, i have these anxiety attacks where i’m just fighting my self that wants to kill myself, and the self that is trying to hold on hope.

i keep trying to tell myself that people love me and appreciate having me around. but i can’t help but feel like right now, when i’m thinking of dying, i feel like i’m by myself. and i really want someone, anyone, to hold me. but i literally have never gotten that ever so it would be stupid of me to expect as such.

it feels like in these times, i have had to be my own therapist in addition to seeing my psychologist weekly. because even amongst family and friends, i feel like i don’t want to burden them. i feel like normal people are supposed to do stuff for their friends; it’s just that it takes me hella energy to do the same. that’s not their fault, and so why even bring it up if they shouldn’t have to help?

ugh. i am very sad. and i wish i didn’t think these things. before my friends went to sleep, they told me to take a nap. but it was like i couldn’t convince them that i can’t even sleep on a normal night, because i have anxiety attacks almost every night in bed.

i’m sorry. i just don’t really know who to turn to ever but myself. but i’m not alone right? just like you’re not alone. cause i’m here for you. and there are people who are there for me...right?

:/