I don't know how to start this journey of letting go.

Just found this sub and I'm so glad it exists. I'm also sorry for the shit title, words are tough right now. I really would like some advice/some kind words as I'm stuck in this sort of limbo between still not over him and wanting to move on. This also got long, sorry, and I added a tl;dr at the bottom.

The breakup began in May. He came round my house and I didn't want to let him. We had been arguing because I wouldn't send him any more nudes. He said I was treating him like shit when I just didn't feel in the mood anymore and wanted to go about my day, not be locked in my room taking the same pictures over and over again.

But yeah, he came round. And when it was clear I wasn't opening the door, he started banging on all the windows and doors, picking up my recycling boxes to bash the door. My mum was scared to death, I was frozen having a panic attack in bed and my cats were scared too. He then broke in using the back door. I called the police, he bullshited his way past them and then made me out to be the guy for calling the police, saying stuff like, "My whole future could've been ruined."

Anyway. I, stupidly, begged him to stay, despite him putting me through of other shit in the two years we were together. And he did. Until I wouldn't send him anymore nudes again in August and that was the end of it pretty much. It was a similar situation. I was sending him stuff but then it was just taking hours of my day away. He wanted so many pictures from me and I was into it but it just became tiresome and I wanted to go back to cooking, cleaning, playing video games, etc. I wasn't in the mood anymore and once I'm not in that mood, my insecurities about my body come back and I start crying looking at the photos of me that I took. But... He demanded them. And he broke up with me when I wouldn't send them.

I didn't want to lose him though. Despite all the shit he put me through (like some really dark shit, idk if it goes against the rules but... The big R word and arguments would get physical... You get the picture). But it was over.

I felt a weird mix of relief and heartbreak. I wanted him back, but I also felt like a massive weight had been lifted off me. A feeling that I still feel now.

I want to move on so badly. But yet, I keep checking his Instagram like I'm looking to get my heart broken. I found out his mum went through something similar to what I did and I wanted to reach out to her so badly but I stopped myself somehow.

I just don't know how to let go. This was my first real relationship, I'd only had flings and casual stuff before. But this lasted two years, I was isolated from all my friends and I have been thoroughly traumatised from everything.

I've tried Tinder. Felt pretty boring. There was also a guy I was talking to but I called that off. It's just so weird thinking about new guys, especially when they call me "perfect" or "beautiful". It just makes me panic and make me miss my ex even more, despite him belittling me all the time. I don't know what's going on.

I need to learn to let go for the sake of my own mental health. But I really just don't know where to start.

I don't know how to end this word salad of an essay but any help is much appreciated. I want to be fully free from this monster. It's just figuring out where to start.

Sorry this got so long too. The tl;dr version of it is that I just can't let go of this relationship, even though it was toxic and brutal and like living in pure hell for two years. I want to begin this life of being free from him, but I don't know where to start.