I can’t continue living with mental illness

I feel like I have been robbed. Robbed of a happy childhood. Robbed of a happy life. Robbed of relationships that aren’t destroyed by my mental health. Robbed of an existence that isn’t marred by depression, anxiety, PTSD and borderline personality disorder.

I am 27 now. I feel like I have tried enough. I have been in some form of mental health treatment since I was 17. I have taken the meds. I have done the therapy. I have made the lifestyle changes. Everything is still pointless. I am not ‘getting better’, I just continue to fail at living.

My future seems impossible. I don’t know how to live a meaningful existence with a personality disorder that taints every waking minute. I don’t know how to live with all of this emotional baggage. I don’t know how to live with the stigma around people with BPD. I don’t know how to live with hating myself.

Every other time I have attempted suicide it was because I was in the middle of a BPD episode and I was emotionally out of control. Now I am just resigned. Resigned to my life being worthless. Resigned to it not getting better.

I can’t. I’m tired. I don’t want to keep failing at trying to make my life better. I am so terrified of a future that involves living with this. This isn’t a life worth living. It isn’t fair to expect me to keep trying.

I just can’t do this anymore.