My Best Friend Regrets Having A Baby

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My co-worker told me she didn't want kids, told her BF she wasn't having them. Then she got married to him. She loves traveling internationally, making her own schedule, throwing herself passionately into her work. Sometime last year she mentioned that her husband does want a kid. She sounded like she might give in. I'm just sad for the whole situation that could turn out like this one...

Thank you so much for sharing. At least we are finally at a place where a woman feels free enough to confide in a close friend about her regrets. It is fortunate that you are in her life, and just being there to listen and empathize without judgment is good for her mental health and a demonstration of your good character. The societal pressure, expectations, and guilt trips make it all but impossible for parents to care for themselves. I have made many mistakes in my life and I have regrets, but thankfully having a child due to these pressures is not one of them. Not only must she deal with those feelings of regret, she is likely punishing and loathing herself for not being a "supermom," and she's not a bad person for feeling the way she does. Maybe her story will help another couple from making the same mistake.

Has she considered a divorce? I'm thinking where the kid can live with the dad and she can be a weekend mom or how much she can handle it. It might work out for the better for all three of them.

I want to share this with my BFF so she doesn't make the same mistake.

She's said so many times how much she wants to be a mom, then turns around and talks about how badly everything will change.

Like, duh? Don't do it! Parenthood is a trap!

One of my close friends also regrets having her baby. I think the main issue is the loss of free time she can spend on her art, gaming, traveling etc. She also says she's incredibly bored being at home with a child, and that it's overall a much more negative experience than a positive one. She says her relationship is on its way to fall apart because they're both so stressed out about the kid, and her bf has even started having anger issues around her and the daughter. I asked her why she chose to have a child, and she said she thought she could decide more of the lifestyle, upbringing etc. herself, but now she just feels imprisoned. I think there's a lot more people regretting becoming parents than we hear about.

Compliments OP, on sharing this very sobering, sad story. I wish your friend the best, although it just really sucks that's she bound to this situation now.

Also, a casual observation as a guy: WTF is it with men always being the ones who dEsPeRaTeLy WaNt KiDs??! So they pressure their unwilling Gf/wife into having one or more spawn.. then what? Are these dudes really that fulfilled by parenthood? Is the "mini-me" a new trophy they can show off pics of, or chitchat around the office about?

Guess more to the point (that utterly puzzles me).. Is the love of a good Gf/wife not enough? I just can't get into that sort of brain. What could possibly be so appealing about parenthood--ie losing all your freedom and most of your money--that makes it worth pressuring your woman into going along with it & making her miserable in the process?

If that isn't selfish, Idk what is..

I’m so glad she have you, a friend like you is everything she needed right now and even more.

I had a friend admit this too. It was very sad. I didn't know how to respond and I feel like I wasn't much help for her in her plea for help/understanding.

You can't settle on something so irreversible as becoming a parent. There is no way out.

As a man, if a girl wants a kid and she settles with you she will probably change her mind later on in life and leave you stranded.

I had a friend tell me that he wasn't going to get snipped unless his GF did the same so there was no backing out later on 5-10 years into the marriage, and it seemed pretty drastic at one point but seems to make more sense after every thread I read here.

I'm glad she has you for support. Maybe, she'll be a little more independent when the kid starts school and grows up. But for now, I think what you're doing for her is what's best. She needs as much adult time without mommy crap around to cope.

Even worse, one day I know that kid and her husband will realize she's not doing what she does out of real love.

This is honestly the most telling thing, and also this is the biggest reason to support people not having kids just because of their spouse/social pressure/etc. Everyone is all "But you'll love it once it's here" - that's bullshit. It's not a guarantee at all, and most of the time, the opposite ends up happening.

She's going to break eventually; it's inevitable. Everyone who is even the tiniest bit resentful of a child they don't want always, without fail, show that resentment sooner or later, and that's when shit hits the fan. Abuse is possible, divorce is probable.

I feel for her. And, as the kid who was born because it was expected of the parents, I really hope she divorces, because kids have a way of figuring stuff out really fast, even if they might not have the vocabulary or experience to understand it. And they will figure out Mom isn't happy very, very fast, same for themselves being not fully wanted.

Thank you for this post and for the reminder not to have a kid because your SO decides he wants one.

That's really sad and I feel bad for her. Too many women (and men) have been conned into situations like this. It seems especially worse when it's the woman because 90% of the time they will be doing 90%-100% of all the work.

She's most likely going to resent her husband in the later years.

Men who push their wives/girlfriends into having children are the scum of the earth. A man literally has the easiest part in reproducing. Splooge and sleep. Woman has to deal with becoming a walking, miserable petri dish for the next 9 months, not to mention hours of the most inhumane agony possible to get it out.

And guess what will happen when wifey isn't as "tight" or "attentive" as she used to be? He'll find some new broad to fulfill his "needs" that aren't being met because it's a woman's job to raise children and change diapers and stay up all night.

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