I think my boyfriend is bordering on abusive and I want to break up with him, but he keeps fucking with my head and making it seem like what he does is ok. HELP! Idk if I am right :(

We have been together 4 years. Today he came over and I could tell the second he came in he was in bad mood. I went into super friendly nice girlfriend mode, it has no effect. He just sits there and says nothing. I had just cooked a plate of pad thai and he starts a fight saying "why do you always eat when I come over, I'm only here for an hour". I called him at 1 and it was 3, I was fucking hungry. Why is that a problem anyway, all he does now is sit there and not want to do anything. Anyway he just starts arguing with me about nothing, all stemming from the stupid pad thai. He brings up how I was depressed in high school (3 years ago!) how I was over weight so he would have to tell me I was beautiful even though I was 200 pounds, and that he had to deal with it and that is why I have to deal with him constantly fighting with me about nothing. I could deal with this, and have for the past 2 years, but now I argue back and show him how ridiculous he is being, and he can tell he is being a fucking idiot, so he goes into a rage and starts throwing things, breaking glass, breaking my computer screen by throwing a pointed carving tool at it (he justified this because it was his old screen he had given me) and then we argued more and he grabbed my head and dug his fingers into my hair and shook me with such force I have whip lash. At this point I stand up and say "GET THE FUCK OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT." and he just sits there saying "I'm sorry, sorry, sorry." and refuses to leave. We argue more and he just starts brining up random shit that I did a long time ago (anything he can think of, just any thing I ever did) and tries to pull me into an argument where I am defending myself and not talking about how he just assaulted me. But of course I say something and he goes into a flying rage again and hits my arms (held up in defense) and slams his head on the desk and hits it again so everything on my desk goes flying. At this point he is saying he wants to kill himself and a bunch of shit, so I have to calm him down and tell him he just needs to see the councilor for help blah blah, I said I would call for him and get him a referral, but he wont even get me the fucking card. Finally he leaves but not without making a remark about how he had to give me the 40 bucks he made in tips last night, even though it was money he had owed me for weeks. I have been trying to get him to get help, he absolutely will not. I want out but I don't know how. Please help!!

short version: My boyfriend keeps going through a pattern of starting fights about nothing and getting violent. He refuses to get professional help and is terribly depressed. I want out but he makes me feel like a horrible person who is abandoning him/ doesn't love him and he doesn't believe that he has a problem with violence.

Edit: Here is a post about how I should break up with him, if anyone has any advise. post