But I love you.../it’s never the same.. A story about my current relationship

But I love you.../ it’s never the same.. By Anonymous

I remember when we first met... well, not met as we haven’t met in person... but met each other on this game. It was your first day on the game and I was a veteran. Been on for a whole year! It was perfect. Unexpected, but perfect. We hung out on the game, I showed you my apartments and got your Snapchat. We started talking. Me flirting with you, you flirting with me, you actually LAUGHING AT MY JOKES, I found someone who understood me. every snap notification and text giving butterflies in my stomach because I was falling... Falling in a dream I never wanted to wake up from, Falling. Falling for someone 1,000 miles away. Then the chat came. After a long night of talking non stop on the phone, the chat. “I think I’m falling in love with you” Truth is, I was already in love. Maybe I was lonely. But I was in love. And you were in love with me. Every night was a breath of fresh air. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. We couldn’t stop being on the phone with each other.... I was in love. We were in love. Laughing non stop at each other’s jokes, it was perfect. I told everyone because I was In heaven, because I finally found my one..

But everyone had their doubts, supportive, but doubtful. They were happy for me, but deep in their mind they said who is this girl from one thousand miles away? It won’t work they said. But I was doubtful in my friends. My family. I pulled away from them to be with you because you made me happy. To hell with what they said. I was happy with you and nothing could change that. Then my secret came out. For the first time in my life I told someone in confidence a struggle I was having. And That someone was you. Because I loved you. And you ran. Ran away because it scared you. Ran away because it wasn’t who you thought I was. Left me and I promised I’d change. Promised it wasn’t who I was and it wasn’t. It was a demon. But It was never the same after that. And I still loved you. I thought it would be okay, I moved on, but it wasn’t the same.

At least not for you. For you it was time to slow down. Analyze the relationship you are in. I thought that since we fixed the problem in the relationship we could overcome anything. But you wanted to slow down. I understood. So I tried. I slowed down. Then sped up. Your love being a fire in my soul, you holding my heart hostage with every breath, face timing each other, still flirting with each other, but you wanted to slow down. So I slowed down.

Then the trust issues came. My friend just got cheated on how do I know it won’t happen to me, especially when you live a thousand miles away, so many guys you talk about and expect me to blatantly trust, the jealousy begins. The insecurity in me starts to believe I’m not good enough, the insecurity in me believes someone else will easily take your heart... so we fight. Your best friend hates me because of my insecurity. Because I thought she was trying to break us up, set you up with someone else, I said some things in anger, all because your phone goes dead, but how should I have known that? and my heart breaks again because we break up again.

So I ask for advice. Everyone tells me to let it go, it doesn’t work, but what do they know? I love you. We get back together. And it’s not the same. My flirts don’t work like they used to, I’m still depressed from the last time we broke up so I almost lose my funny side, all that progress coming out of my shell gone... anxiety kicks in. Anxiety from a fear of losing your interest, anxiety from a fear of boring you, I feel as if something is wrong even though it isn’t, fear of the same thing happening to me that happened to my friend. Fear of history repeating itself from past relationships, and I love you.

Still getting butterflies in my stomach every time you text, the anticipation of talking to you after a long day of work for both of us, this relationship consuming every part of my life and body, the only thing that matters, I love you. But fear and anxiety build up. As we talk about meeting each other. Me and my boss joking that I won’t come back that if I meet you, I’d want to stay in your arms. This relationship and my love for you being the only thing that matters... then the perfect storm. The perfect yet most damaging, painful, painful as losing a family member, doubt, anxiety coursing through my veins, you tell me the night before you don’t actually want to meet, fear and anxiety, I don’t like what’s happening, is it happening to me? the same thing that had happened to my friend, the trust I had in you, where’d it go? Then the post. Anxiety going through my veins, is it real? Is this actually happening? Even though in reality it’s a harmless song lyric, but in my brain it’s happening even though it’s not and I flip. And it’s never been the same. Me, heartbroken and filled with regret I know what a fuck up I’ve made, Friends, telling me it wasn’t meant to be and I don’t listen, I’m heartbroken. But I love you.

We make up, but this time, this time we don’t get back together. We become friends. And I’m heartbroken. I love you but I’m depressed, my funny side is gone I’m laying in bed, laying in bed because I can’t take it anymore.. but have a fear of what comes next. so I get help. Put myself in the hospital for a week to “cure” my depression. But I get out and I’m still heartbroken because I love you.

We get back together. And it’s never the same. All the flirting doesn’t work anymore, my funny side is gone, I feel like I’m boring you it’s essentially friends with the added bonus of the privilege of saying we are talking... somethings not right I love you but I’m not feeling that same love in return, my life is a mess I’m broke and jobless, idk what’s going on but this relationship is all that matters. Because I love you. But it’s never the same again. Truth is I’m frustrated. The flirtations are gone, the simultaneous laughter we shared for hours gone, the sexual jokes and flirtation gone, spending more time on Netflix than talking to me, I feel as if you lost interest, you assure me it you haven’t. But I love you. So I keep going.

And the anxiety continues. Not that the same thing that happened to my friend is happening to me, but anxiety of me losing you. Because I feel as if something is wrong in the relationship even though you assure me there isn’t... we slow down but honestly is this the pace you are comfortable at? I’m frustrated. I miss the old days.. I miss the butterflies, I miss the anticipation, the love I felt from you, the joy of talking to you every day 24/7... I’m frustrated. But I love you. So I keep going.

We meet this friend, a friend who finds us adorable, a friend who actually supports us being a couple... I get a job, finally a job, even if it’s minimum wage, but I do it because I love you and I know it’s what you want from me as I secretly feel like a jobless failure. Everything is great yet still not like old times.. but we... were working. My anxiety had gone down until one night. It hits like a heart attack. I call you, you don’t pick up, I call you, you don’t pick up, I call you, and you still don’t pick up.. I don’t know what’s going on I leave 16 voicemails asking you to pick up because I don’t know what to do... you pick up. You were asleep. Wonder why I called you 16 times in the middle of the night, then goes back to sleep. And wake up to tell me not to call or text you that day. And block my number.

I plead, telling you it isn’t your fault, I think we broke up I go to work depressed and leave early... I talk with our friend, and she makes me realize things that I wouldn’t realize about my self... red flags I’ve been putting up in your mind... makes me think.

We stay together. But the insecurity and doubt remain. I realize, realize that I’m the problem. And as the next week goes by we grow apart. And I stew in my emotions. Stew in the pain of believing that I’m the reason my life is horrible, and truth be told it is. I’m frustrated and in pain and realize things about myself and this relationship and I break up with you. Because it hurts. Because I blamed myself for all my problems and I was afraid to hurt you. Because I love you. So I broke up. And instead of avoiding that fear I actually CAUSE the fear. Causing what I was initially trying to avoid. I lay in bed because I lost my job the week before, I feel like a failure because of things you and our friend said... I contemplate. Contemplate throwing myself off a bridge because of the failure I am, medicine doesn’t help so I talk to a friend.

We talk about the relationship, life, jobs, I lie to him telling him I still have the job, I’m heartbroken and depressed and almost cry in front of everyone at a mall food court. And I get home and cry to you on the phone. And we get back together. But it’s never the same. You call me instead of me calling you, silence, silence on the phone because we don’t talk or flirt like we used to, we just play our game. I’m frustrated. But I love you. And I don’t want to break up with you because I love you, but I miss the old days, I’m bored. I miss the days where we understood each other, laughing at each other’s joke until we couldn’t breathe, flirting with each other, complimenting each other... butterflies In my stomach oh my. What happened to those days? What can get those days back? Because I love you.