My [22M] (ex)girlfriend [21F] broke up, what should I do?
Hey guys, first time posting and using a throwaway just in case. Any and all advice is welcome, so thank you in advance!
[LONG POST]
My ex-girlfriend of 2 years and I recently broke up (Just under 3 months ago) and it's destroying me.
Backstory:
So I've known this girl as an acquaintance for a few years prior to us properly hanging out. About 3 years ago we started seeing each other a little more through clubbing as our friend group was quite large and had a few mutual friends. Then one day out of the blue she sent me a message on Facebook and from there we started hitting it off through messenger and hanging out after work at her place. We both got on extremely well with one another and after a month or 2 of friendly hanging out with a slight touch of flirting here and there, we eventually hooked up after a night out.
For the next few months after that we basically had a unofficial relationship, until finally we made it official and started 'dating'. The next 18 months were amazing. We barely argued, we helped each other grow mentally and emotionally and her family are some of the most incredible people I've ever met. We also moved in together and apart from my gaming habit (I'm not proud of it) at the time, we were going extremely strong. Not only that, her family and I bought her the most beautiful 1 year old Golden Retriever rescue for Christmas last year and we treat him like he is our baby.
Now my ex-girlfriend has always had issues with depression/anxiety and from what I understand it all stems from bullying in her highschool days as well as some chemical imbalances in her brain. For the most part I'd like to say that I've helped her as much as possible with her issues and made sure she always felt loved and cared for. Although sometimes as I'm sure a lot of you understand, this can help some things but it can't help everything.
The Breakup:
Probably around 2-3 months before our breakup my ex-girlfriend started to become more distant both physically and emotionally. I say this, but we did spend time together and both still loved each other very much. Although we did go from having sex most nights, to having sex 1-2 times a month. During this time we were having major issues with our housemates involving them taking drugs, having benders on weekends and trashing our house (basically just general disrespect). She had also started taking anti-depressants as prescribed by her doctor to help with her mental issues.
A few times over those months she spoke to me about maybe breaking up, because she felt like she wasn't treating me right, and that this was unfair on me. I told her that I really didn't want that, but if that's whats going to help her maybe we should do it. We continued our relationship for another 2 months and then one day when I got home from work she sat me down and broke up with me. She cried and I stayed silent in shock, we kissed and hugged one last time, before she left to go out with a friend for the night.
The next month was one of the hardest months of my life, if not the hardest. I stayed with my parents for a week, but due to my mental state deteriorating from being away from my pup and my home, I moved back home and set up another bedroom to sleep in (after discussing it with the ex-girlfriend). I struggled to cope with our breakup, I felt(still feel) like I had lost the love of my life and my soulmate. I couldn't function, I couldn't enjoy myself with any of my previous hobbies, I was constantly sad and empty. I'm not a suicidal person and could never do that to my family and loved ones, but my friends, family and even my ex-girlfriend were extremely worried I would do something stupid. Don't get me wrong, if I didn't care about my family so much, it could have been an option.
After a couple weeks of self-pity and I decided to pull myself together and try and help myself become a better person. I became really scared when I realised this feeling of not being to enjoy anything wouldn't go away, so I started seeing a psychologist, who diagnosed me with high-level depression and anxiety, to help me get my brain in check. On top of this, I also started to get into a somewhat healthy routine, getting home from work, cleaning the house, making dinner, having a shower and going to bed. I believe these tasks were in more of the way of keeping myself busy than anything else.
A couple months down the track now, we still live together and it really sucks. We are both too financially unstable now to afford our own place so we're trapped in this house together. We still spend a lot of time together due to this, and due to us both being one of the only people who understand each other. For some reason she has had the worst luck with friends and I have been the only person who has ever truly cared for her, and I still can't help caring for her and helping her with her problems. In tow, she also helps me with my problems too, because she still cares for me. This has ultimately ended up with us sleeping together a few times (which we both know was a mistake).
Recently we spoke about our breakup and why we broke up because I still didn't fully understand why it happened (and nor did she). She was having issues explaining it, but she basically explained that she was having a personality crisis and didn't know or understand who she is. She didn't want to drag me a long a long journey if she was going to continue being a shit girlfriend and hurting me, and then just to potentially find out that she didn't want me or was a lesbian or a number of other things. She just needed to find herself to help her. It's one of those "its not you, its me" situations where it actually wasn't me. This makes it extremely hard on her too because she still loves me and feels bad for hurting me. She's cried a few times about this issue when we have been discussing us.
I really love this girl more than anything in the world and I want to be there for her, because no-one else will. I understand her better than anyone else and it hurts so much that I can't help. She's one of the only people I would fully trust with my life and she has made me into a better person. I want to keep pushing to try and get us back together, but at the same time I want her to be happy and content with life so maybe she needs us to stay apart.
My depression and anxiety has been slowly getting better, with hiccups along the way and I can guarantee it would almost instantly dissipate if we got back together. However I wouldn't mind living like this if I knew she was going to be happy.
I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading guys, I really appreciate it. Like I said at the top any and all advice is welcome and I'd be very grateful!
*Just a couple side-notes: I have tried explaining this to the best of my ability, but this is such a complex and complicated situation and I struggle to put it into words.
*When I can finally move out I plan on cutting contact with her and my dog. I know its going to be really hard for all of us including my dog, but I believe this would be the best option.
Posted Dec 14, 2019, 8:33 AM UTC