is this relationship toxic?
I'm 20m and a sophomore in college
My parents and I haven't been getting along lately because I didn't do too good in school this semester. I want to go back to school without their help but they're insisting I stay at home, work and then go back. My dad was calling me names yesterday night like that I'm an idiot and a liar, mostly because I wasn't exactly forthright about whether or not I was getting Cs or Bs. I don't necessarily think I did too poorly in school though (got a 3.0) this semester, but they keep talking down to me and make me feel like i'm an idiot. They also supported me by helping with my tuition and helping me buy hearing aids and a computer for college. I really appreciate all of this but I want to leave the house and they're trying to sabotage my plans to live in an apartment next year and leave the house at all. They say it's what's best for me. I want to leave really badly but I also want to stay in order to not hurt them. I don't know what to do or say to them because I feel like I have no voice here. Everything I say about what I feel is met with mocking or they try to fix the issue immediately. I've told them i was depressed and suicidal before when our relationship was fine and they called me a liar for not telling them sooner and that it was illogical to get worked up over things to the point i thought of taking my life. I've told them about voices in my head and my dad told me it was demons in my heart. But they still got me help for this stuff. They support me so much but when I talk to them as a person i don't feel like a person. I'm really confused and i don't know how to deal with these feelings. Should I leave, should I stay? I just feel like i'm stuck in a box.
edit. I've been writing this in a real flurry because my friend is picking me up at 1 today and I forgot to mention that my dad hit me yesterday and threw things at me in a bit of a fit of anger and this will definitely change some of the advice given.
Posted Dec 17, 2019, 2:52 PM UTC · edited
Tl;dr - speaking to you like that is not okay. Make respectfulness nonnegotiable. Also, consider how your parents may be feeling- afraid for you and afraid of losing you. Reassure them that you’ll still have a relationship when you’ve moved out, and ask them to help you prepare to manage the challenges you’ll face.
It sounds like some boundaries really need to be enforced. Speaking to you that way is not okay, no matter what they’ve done for you.
My suggestion would be to tell them that using derogatory language like that is unacceptable, and that you will end the conversation if it continues. Then follow through. They call you an idiot, you walk away. Note that this will probably make them angry, so be prepared for that.
It sounds to me like your parents are afraid of losing you. They may be genuinely concerned about your welfare, but the appropriate way to handle that would be to help you grow and develop whatever skills you need to live on your own - not to sabotage your efforts. It might help to reassure them that you moving out doesn’t mean they’ll never see you again. Tell them that you appreciate what they’ve done to support you in the past and that their continued support would mean a lot to you. If they have other concerns about you living on your own, maybe relating to your hearing or your mental health, listen to them and ask for suggestions to manage those challenges.
Thank you for confirming that u/imawriterokay has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.