Source
r/actuallesbians•
CongratulationsGod

Can we talk about online dating woes? Why don't lesbians talk?

Text

I'm in the middle of an online dating escapade, and have noticed I am always the one to have to initiate the conversations after matching, and half the time women just do not respond, or will stop responding after a few sentences. I'm bisexual, so have also talked to men through online dating, and it is not nearly as difficult to start or maintain a conversation. I just don't understand what is going on, and am having difficulty not just feeling as though maybe women just don't actually like me at all as a possible romantic partner. Can anyone shine any light on this? Or can we talk through this phenomenon? Getting bummed out.

Posted Dec 23, 2019, 4:45 PM UTC

5139
periglourButch Lesbian•

I'm with you here. I'm a lesbian though, so its rejection after rejection after rejection....

I've kind of given up frankly, nobody wants to talk and I'm getting irritated with carrying entire conversations. Hopefully I'll find a gf on campus soon.

21
CongratulationsGodOP•

Well to be frank, I am bisexual, but prefer to date women since I have a history of trauma with men. It really does feel like a losing battle sometimes, and can be very disheartening. I'm currently carrying an entire conversation and it is...painful.

13
periglourButch Lesbian•

Like, am I the only interesting lesbian in this entire city? Does nobody else know how to carry a conversation? Ughhhhhh

12
CongratulationsGodOP•

Right? But this is why I'm asking these questions, because I can't believe this is the case for so many people. What is happening?

5
Cuddlypup7•

I'm sorry to hear about your trauma OP, but I just wanted to say if you have to carry the entire conversation, drop it and move on. It's honestly not worth it and super emotionally draining.

11
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-6
CongratulationsGodOP•

Um no this never comes up and I'm interested in women period. Not just because they're not men. Gotta say, your comment made me feel shitty.

11
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-4
sleepy_doggos•

Same. Am bisexual and find it wayyyyy easier to meet men in online dating. Unfortunately half the men I've met online are shitty narcissists, so I just opt out altogether and hope to meet a nice lady in person someday!

14
CongratulationsGodOP•

Good luck to you on that! My workplace/ university is like 99% straight and/or married women so I'm out of luck at the moment.

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-7
sleepy_doggos•

I am positive that they can, but my point was that I've met narcissist men and women don't talk to me online. So I'm not sure why you would point that out in this context.

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-11
sleepy_doggos•

Ok. I can see that. I am bisexual despite how either sex has treated me, but i am watchful in my interactions regardless.

2
SaffronBurke•

..... That's not how bisexuality works but ok....

2
Scribblr•

Whoops I’m guilty of being the worst at this. I haaate getting to know someone through text, but I also hate taking on the phone and refuse to meet someone person who I haven’t fully vetted yet.

No talk, just know!

10
CongratulationsGodOP•

Actually this was a super helpful comment. Maybe we're all just trapped in this cycle of not being able to meet people in person and also hating online dating formats? Now I have no idea what to do with this information, but it makes some sense.

7
Cuddlypup7•

Girls have lots of options and they're hard to get. It's sooooo hard to get girls, meanwhile it takes like 15 seconds on Tinder to get guys to come running to you 😟

7
Bitch_I_Eat_People•

Bi and poly here, I did manage to find a girlfriend through tinder (had to break up unfortunately since since she has to move and my aging parents keep me where I’m at) but my advice is to just keep at it. Dating is HARD and it can be especially frustrating if you’re like me and are constantly having to be the one initiating/holding the conversation. I guess what I’m trying to say is to change your perspective rather than trying to look for a girlfriend think that you’re trying to connect with other women and to see where it goes, it takes the pressure/expectation off yourself in a way and makes the conversation carrying a little bit lighter. You’ve got this, if my ugly poly ass can find someone then so can you!

6
CongratulationsGodOP•

Yeah, thanks. Dating is stupid hard. I am trying really hard to maintain a neutral perspective on this and see it as more like having a bunch of conversations, but when the conversations don't even start and/or die really fast, it's like...how am I supposed to even have a chance at getting to know people who don't talk? Sigh.

5
Bitch_I_Eat_People•

Remember that if you enjoy to have conversations then you don’t need those people who can’t hold them! Imagine how boring of a relationship that would be

6
gaiatcha•

perhaps its a sign that dating apps arent a good way to meet ppl

5
SaffronBurke•

I've totally given up on apps, it's exhausting.

4
CuriousGrumpyCat•

I think most of the lesbians or bi are kinda shy so they take time when they talk to someone new 👀

3
CongratulationsGodOP•

I know that's part of it, but when it's a literal countdown like on Bumble...shyness is not in anyone's favour.

10
Throttle29•

From experience I've only ever had catfish or females that are looking for a 3rd party to join in sexual activities.

The only other ones I've talked to want to hook up before even knowing my name.

I left the sites and apps alone. It'd be nice to have real conversations just as friends.

2
_amphetamemes_•

i’m going through the same thing, and i’m really relieved that at least it’s not just me. no responses to opening messages a lot of the time, and if they do respond or message me first i have to ask all the questions or the convo dies.

2
sdfghjkl222•

Many women on apps are blown up with attention. So they don’t care a lot about responding to you in particular. I once met a woman from tinder who had 1000 matches. 1000! Can you imagine what the DMs must look like ?

Anyway good luck , lot more perseverance than I do I can only stomach dating apps when catfishing or using my friends accounts

1
bisexualdating99•

Sometimes girls just feel insecure or they are thinking. You can try to communicate sincerely and patiently.

1