Stressing Christmas Dinner??

😂Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day..............! 😂 Here's my top tip 🎄Christmas Dinner.... I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by ads, supermarkets and TV chefs... It's a Sunday dinner for fuck sake!!! 🙄We do it quite happily about 20 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year??? Of course not! Here goes...

1. Turkey... It's a big fucking chicken, that's all, 20 minutes per pound plus 20 minutes at 350 degrees - it cooked . Get yourselves a meat thermometer $3 off amazon and poke it in the offending bird if it says 165 degrees or over its cooked!, time to take it out of the god damn oven.
2. Stuffing - regardless of what Martha Stewart says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs,pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no fucking wonder she needed to do a little insider trading with what she spends to make stuffing!)😜 What you need iis a Box of Stovetop and boiling water. !! If you wanna liven it up a little chuck some Italian sausage and mix that in with your Stovetop before cooking 😉.
3. Gravy - Emeril is taking the blame for this. Boston Market gravy in a jar. Open the lid, pour in a pot and heat the fucker up. I ( nor any other mother fucker I know) got time on Christmas Eve to fuck about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour,cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy 😠😠😠
4. Vegetables...🍆 Never mind shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fucking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then feed the ungrateful bastards frozen peas.
5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in duck fat, you don’t fuck around and cheat with the potatoes. GOT IT???!!!!😉.
6. Trimmings and Christmas Pies and the like.... Safeway/HEB/Randall’s (oh and while we're on the subject of pie- if Cool Whip is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fucking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)
7. Family.... Children.. Feed the little bastards first and most importantly separately, if they only want turkey with ketchup - fine leave them to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed send them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace! Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry ass to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc. And Finally..... NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET SHIT FACED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!! Rant over 😂 🎄Merry Christmas!🎄