My [33f] Mom [50sF] gave my an oven even though I was already gifted one 2 years ago

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My mom is a lovely person. She's kind and generous with her time and generally a good listener. She's also very domestic - she cooks and bakes and hosts and can hospital sterilize a bathroom in ten minutes.

I live in a studio apartment that doesn't have a proper oven. This wasn't a problem for me. It has a stove top and a microwave and that's all I really need. I cook, but cook for survival. I'm not one to look up new recipes or bake pies or host dinner parties or anything like that. I make chicken stir fry 3 nights a week and am happy with that. So, understandably, I had no qualms with the paltry kitchen size.

Two of my friends [30sf - couple] got me a housewarming gift of a very nice toaster oven when I moved in. They were so happy and smiling and proud when they brought it to me and I was so surprised. It's great! It's a name brand and makes toast and heats food and can fit a standard grocery store frozen pizza. It's all I need, and I've never once spoken ill of it publicly or privately. I have nothing bad to say about the thing.

My mom has mentioned before that the toaster oven cannot fit a baking sheet or standard 9"x13" casserole dish. This is true, but I've always told her it's fine. Once we were at IKEA together and she found a more compact baking sheet or something and she said she was going to buy it for me and I told her to that i don't need it. I don't bake. I thought that was the end of it.

She asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her new work shoes. I've been unemployed a lot this year and even though I'm back working there's a lot of things I'm overdue on replacements of: the underwire in my bras have broken, my jeans are wearing thin, and my work shoes are leaking. I didn't tell her all this because I don't want her to worry, but I was really really hoping for new work shoes.

I was very surprised when Christmas morning I was gifted an oven. It's a convection oven I think. I don't know how big it is, I haven't taken it out of the box. But my mom says it can hold a 9"x13" dish. She apologized for it not being an air fryer. I have no idea what an air fryer is. It looks very impressive.

The thing is, I don't need it. The one I have is good. And I feel like I'm forced to pick between gifts of two people that I love. I can:

  1. Keep mom's oven. But what would I do with the one I have? The friend I got it from is also in no comfortable situation financially. It was a sacrifice for her to gift it to me. I wouldn't be able to hide that I have a new oven, she comes over to my home semi-regularly. I'm afraid that if she arrives and sees the new oven she will think I hated her gift and wanted a replacement - which I didn't. I have also considered calling my friend and seeing if she wants the toaster oven she gave me, as it's a nicer and bigger model than she has now. That way, I can get ahead of the story and let her know that I did not ask for a new oven. But I do not want her to think ill of my mother, either. My friend can be sensitive about such things, and already believes my mother doesn't like her. Her partner I've already had a falling out with.

  2. Ask my mom to send the oven back. I'm hesitant for this option, too. My father was recently laid off so it just also feels ungrateful to give the gift back. I did receive enough Amazon gift cards, 75$ total, from various sources (including my parents) so I should be able to purchase new work shoes. The thing is, also, I had asked her to return a sewing machine that she got me for my birthday back in April. If not for me doing that this would be an easier choice.

Which option should I go with? What is the proper gift returning ettiquete here? Does anyone have other ideas that might be suitable?

TL;DR: My mom gave me a gift I had already been gifted. What do.

Posted Dec 27, 2019, 9:12 PM UTC

65
pomme_dor•

"Mom, I can't use this. Could you return it please?"

Or sell it.

11
YellowLantana•

My father was recently laid off so it just also feels ungrateful to give the gift back.

What kind of logic is that? You should absolutely send it back. Better yet, get the receipt and send it back yourself with a note to credit the original form of payment. And don't worry about having had to do it before, eventually she will get the message and stop buying expensive things that you don't need or want.

What is the proper gift returning ettiquete here?

These are your parents. You can thank her and still return the oven.

7
paperdOP•

I wasn't given the receipt. I will still have to talk to her.

The sewing machine was the first thing I've ever asked to return. We just don't return things in my family. It feels really ungrateful for me to make that request. I can see how you might not feel that way though.

2
YellowLantana•

You have to get out of that and train her not to override your adult preferences.

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