NPR is Fox News for Americans who are simultaneously genocidal and afraid of shouting.

Today on Morning Edition, we talked to Alan Dershowitz about how unfair the impeachment was and how offended he feels about it. While he rants about his love of the Maralago buffet, we'll ask him zero follow-up questions about anything else.

Followed by an assurance that Soleimani was NOT heading to a peace conference because Mike Pompeo reminded us that Iranians and Iraqis "lie all the time" and that settles it.

Followed by the phrase "Soleimani killed hundreds of Americans and was planning to kill hundreds more" like 7 times in 3 minutes.

Followed by an interview of the writers of the show Shit's Creek about how funny profanity still is to us.

This is NPR. 8 seconds of the Parks and Rec theme start playing