[1315] The Salesman

It's a nice title. I liked the story, it's a nice and heart-breaking tale of alzenheimers from the view of the victim as opposed to the people suffering outside of them.

The protagonist is a kindly old lady who can barely move and tell the world, and the prose reflects this, she forgets things and remembers them, her head tries her best to makes sense of it, and that is also reflected in the story as well.

Yeah, rereading it you actually mix describing the man as a salesman and as James, and such. You also made me feel sad for the mother and her son with the subdued way you merely implied the tragedy of Alzenheimer's, the way they cry and hug and no one knows who really needs comforting here, the way the woman is charming at one moment and disgustingly mean the next, it all leaves a good impact.

Well done.

GENERAL ASSESSMENT:
I didn't really enjoy this piece. I think know what you were aiming for, but I don't think you pulled it off successfully. Not that the story doesn't have potential, but as it is there are some real problems here that prevent the reader from "picking up what you're putting down" as they used to say back in the 70s. I'll go through the issues with the piece (as I see them) below, then offer you some advice that may or may not be useful to you.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, and SENTENCE STRUCTURE:
Your prose was actually quite good, not a lot of problems in this area. There were some awkward lines, such as:

My cement fingers groaned in protest but complied.

1. "Cement fingers" is an awkward metaphor.
2. Fingers can't "groan in protest".
3. The sentence(s) is/are in general short but awkward.

and some minor grammar issues, such as:

I started to move back to check for damage – that table had been in my family for three generations – but the knock came again.

-Use em dashes (—) in situations like the above, not en dashes (–).
-Don't use spaces with em dashes:

I started to move back to check for damage—that table had been in my family for three generations—but the knock came again.

There were a few awkward sentences, like this one:

He kept a focused interest in the coffee table, moving around on all fours to the side closest to the couch.

This needs a rewrite because it's a stumbling block to story flow due to its convoluted wording. It also makes it seem like the coffee table is alive and moving around on all fours.

In at least one case:

I realized what a right comedy we had going on here.

You use "right" in the British sense, which might confuse some North American readers.

There are also a lot of instances of italicization. You should watch that, as with italics a little goes a long way.

CHARACTERS/POV:
The MC (also our POV char) is unnamed, unless I missed it somewhere. She is a (presumably) elderly lady living in some sort of assisted-living facility. Because of her condition, most likely some form of mild-to-moderate dementia, she is confused as to where she is and who her visitors are. We don't get too much insight into her personality traits, but it seems fair to say she is kind but relatively stubborn.

James, the MC's son, is initially mistaken for a salesman whe he first arrives. The overall tone I got from him was one of impatience and irritation at his mother's condition. He didn't seem concerned or sad, and mainly came off as angry. Is he really supposed to be this unfeeling and self-centered?

Kendra, who works at the facility, doesn't really get a lot to do. She is also introduced in an awkward way:

He was starting to shut the door when I said to the woman, Kendra, “Mrs. Wilson took my charger again

This happens after this earlier line:

All I could see from my seat was James talking through the door frame. I did know though the mystery person on the other side

Why wouldn't she think of the woman's name here, thereby introducing her to the reader as well. What is gained by not mentioning her name here, then naming her a few paragraphs later? Also, "I did know though" is a very awkwardly-worded phrase.

Kendra checks on our MC after hearing the loud voices from the television (at least that's what I think she heard. Unless the "loud noise" was the MC kicking the coffee table? Hard to imagine it would make that loud of a noise, though...) and wants to make sure she has had her pills. Kendra seems like the typical caring worker in one of these facilities, without much depth...which is fine since she isn't supposed to be a big part of the story.

A Mrs. Wilson is mentioned, but we don't get much info on her, and she is already deceased when the story begins.

SETTING:
The entire story takes place inside the MC's room at an old-folks home or similar insitution. We as the reader aren't supposed to realize this is the setting until later, as the MC mistakes her visiting son for a traveling salesman and it seems like she is in her own home for the first bit of the story.

Since you don't want to give away the true setting, I understand why the details can't be too revealing. I do think you could add more "homey" description, however, as this can add to the illusion you want to maintain. It could also give a little insight into the MC's personality. How does she decorate? What colors does she prefer? Are things neat and organized, or is her mental state beginning to bleed into how she cleans and maintains her room? Right now things like this are missing in your story.

PLOT:
Our MC gets a visitor whom she thinks is a salesman of some sort performing a demonstration. The salesman turns out to be her son as she is actually suffering from a dementia-like mental decline and is sometimes confused about the identities of visitors, even close relatives. MC is actually a resident in a home for the aged, complete with nurses/caregivers who check on loud noises in rooms and ensure their charges take their medications. MC is also foggy on whether other individuals she lives with are deceased or not.

There isn't really a "plot arc" because the entire point of the story seems to be the reveal that she is actually in the assisted-care home. Once the story provides this information it basically ends.

I'd like to suggest an alternate ending in which MC never realizes it's her son (even after he tells her/us). That would make for a sadder story, but also perhaps a better one. As it is, MC does come to recognize her son at the end, and the story finishes there.

I found myself wondering what the point of it all was. Not really a good question/feeling to leave in the mind of your reader.

DIALOGUE:
I found the dialogue fairly rote and even unrealistic. Everything said here is "in service to the plot". To be more specific, in service to the conceit that the visitor is a salesman, Mrs. Wilson is still alive, etc. The characters speak in ways that preserve the illusion for the reader, but I as the reader was very conscious of the gimmickry being employed.

But he didn’t say anything.
“What can I help you with, Mr.—”
The man cut me off. “It’s James. Can I please come in?”

Not "It's James, your son" or "It's me, James", or "It's James, mom." None of those would preserve the story's "big reveal", so they can't be used. The dialogue that is used is stilted and odd-sounding. It roused my suspicions immediately.

Some of the dialogue was jarring.

I said to the woman, Kendra, “Mrs. Wilson took my charger again, and I’m starting to get real tired of y’all just letting anybody into anybody’s room.”

She suddenly aknowledges she is in a room, and she is under someone's care. This was an aburpt change as before this she maintained her insistence she was in her own home being visited by a salesman. Maybe this was supposed to indicate her decreased mental functioning, as confusion and quick changes in personality can be hallmarks of dementia. But it was too abrupt in the story, if you are aiming for something like disjointed thinking, you need to set the stage better and build a sturdier prose foundation for the changes to feel earned in the story.

CLOSING COMMENTS:
There are some good things going on here. I liked this line a lot:

The salesman proceeded to push me, not hard, but I fell back into my chair. This time the springs cried out. The tears came, not from pain, but the audacity of this man.

But maybe just "push" should be italicized, not the "me". And it might sound better as "...not from pain, but from the audacity of this man."

Overall, you have writing talent, but this story as written needs a lot of work. I think it's too short, if it were expanded there would be time to properly set the tone, atmosphere, and mood. There would be time to intruduce characters one at a time with some "breathing room" in between. You would be able to better show the MC's fragile mental state and confusion, and keep your readers more interested and curious as to what is going on. Right now everything happens too quickly, and things that should be slow burn reveals are telegraphed and obvious.

My advice:

-Add length.

-Slow the pace.

-Work on building tension and maintaining interest.

-Improve story flow.

Good luck and I hope some of this was useful to you.

First Impressions

Alzheimer's patient? I think I got a grasp of what was going on when you mentioned the cafeteria. Is this based off of a real life experience? The ending came off as weak to me. The old person, I assume a lady, accepts she has a son and they cry. I haven’t had to deal with Alzheimer's, so I don’t know if that’s how it works. But in the context of the story, the sudden acceptance without much of a “fight” weakens the ending. Some mechanical issues also bring this story down for me. This is short of being poignant.

Mechanics

A part of what’s holding the story back is how you word things. There are instances of passive voice you can modify to active and little words here and there you can get rid of to give it a better flow.

My cement fingers…

The glass vase sitting on the dark wood wobbled and decided to stay upright.

There were big bags underneath his eyes…

Here’s some examples I found of descriptors you don’t need. As I was reading my brain “bumped” over them. It didn’t distract me but they slowed me down. You can remove these to improve the flow of the story. For “sitting on the dark wood,” you can replace that with “on top” and be just fine. On another note, you anthropomorphized some objects with them “deciding” and doing other thinking verbs. It’s an interesting little tidbit I noticed that gives your story a little flavor.

guacamole when there was a knock at my door

Cracking the door, I saw a young man standing in the hall.

He was carrying a plastic bag.

I did know though the mystery person on the other side, and lip turned up in an involuntary snarl of contempt.

These are some examples of tiny things that can be worded better. They weaken the narrative voice. In small numbers, these things are harmless, but they’re peppered throughout your passage. These things can be made to be more direct and concise. Change “There was” to “I heard” will bring the narrator closer to the world and make things more direct. Change “I saw a young man standing” to “a young man stood,” to make it more concise. “Was carrying” to just “carried”, there are a couple of those throughout. You can get rid of “though” all together, and you’ll need to show in some small way how the old lady knows the mystery person. That person is behind a door and didn’t talk yet, how does she know?

My phone charger had been stolen two days ago.

Cartwright’s speech was decreased to a whisper,

A plastic baggie with a few colored pills was thrust into James’s hands,

Passive voice. It weakens your narrator’s voice. There’s a trick I like to use to detect passive voice. Put “by zombies” after the verb. If it makes sense, it’s passive. For example.

My My phone charger had been stolen (by zombies) two days ago.

This is passive.

Someone stole (by zombies) my phone charger two days ago.

This is active voice. Turning your passive voices into active voices will give more directness to your writing.

He was starting to shut the door when I said..

You can get rid of “was,” and you can get rid of a lot of “starting”s and “began”s. For instance, change this to “Before he shut the door, I said…” Using start and began as verbs slows things down and don’t work as well as just saying what the person is doing.

The Ending

The “twist” is fine, but the ending falls flat. The characters are crying at the end, and I feel like I should be sad with them, but I’m not. The build up isn’t set up so the pay off makes me feel “sad”. Empathetic, yes. Sad, no. Part of it is the old patient accepts everything without much of a fight. She’s confused for most of it but once her son figures it out she falls in line too. Again, I’m not sure if this is how Alzheimer's works, but from a narrative standpoint it falls flat. What could work is if the patient doesn’t remember anything, and she ends up kicking her son out still thinking he’s a rude salesman. Maybe he can throw in a line about “She’s getting worse,” towards the end.

I think this could also be a result of the set up. I noticed the son gets aggressive with his mother. He says, “What are you talking about,” pushes her in the chair, and frets over the table more than the fact his mom doesn’t remember him. He doesn’t seem to understand his mom is losing his memory or at least he doesn’t care. So when you end the scene with them crying together, it feels off for him. I think you can pull the ending off better if the son was more aware and understanding of what’s going on. He’s trying to help his mom remember. And this whole scene is hard on him because it’s a reminder that she may not be around for much longer.

Final thoughts

What your wrote can be impactful, but it falls short from mechanical and ending issues. Look at how you can make your narrator sound more direct and active and work on the ending. Right now, the mild elder abuse going to group crying doesn’t leave much of an impact.

Hey! (I'm very new here and not a very good writer at all myself, so don't listen too much to this.) I was generally unimpressed by the story's first half or so. Your prose falls a bit flat; I always find it hard to pinpoint where exactly the problem lies in stories like this but to me it reeks of this sort of typical bland, cliched tone that's so easy to fall into but makes the start uninteresting. I'm sorry I can't give more general feedback than that, but maybe it's hard to do more to combat an amateur-seeming voice than simply write more. It's not at all bad and in parts much more than passable, but it's not what made me eventually enjoy the text.

You overuse italics and there's a few clunky sentences: "But he didn't say anything" alone in a paragraph doesn't really work and almost seems like it's cliched-ly giving that part more dramatic weight than it deserves - maybe let the protagonist ponder the silence, or this stranger, here instead. I think it could function as an earlier entry for some developing aggression towards him for just standing there. The "The other residents [...] stolen two days ago." bit to me just reads like badly placed exposition for later that I don't think is needed at all, and there's no natural reason for her thoughts to go to that either. "I did know though the mystery person on the other side" also reads badly, and since this character is introduced so much later than James the "though" is sort of confusing. The main character's usage of colloquial language and sassiness/aggressiveness in conversation almost work but to me they're a bit too on the nose. Her calling herself a "regular old celebrity" or continuously referring to James as Mr. something are fairly unrealistic (at the same times, old ladies often do seem like charicatures of themselves).

There's a couple lines that stand out in a good way, though -- "My cement fingers groaned in protest" I really liked personally (though it's slightly ruined by your reuse of things protesting to movement further down). Small pseudo-poetic things like that that I think generally add character to your writing while also providing ample detail and insight into emotion etc. without taking up too much space. Another critiquer commented a lot on your passive voice and I think that's a valid point and is usually a large part of why writing strikes me as bland. Plus, this story relies so much on the sort of foggy, confused state of mind of the protagonist and her typical aggressive old-lady personality that replacing impersonal passive voice with further insight into her actual thought processes and personality would do a lot. I think it could also do with more descriptions of the environment, in general, perhaps to elaborate on themes like the chaos by describing her place as fairly disheveled. The son, too, could use more description.

Where I think the story really shines though is in the subtle show-don't-tell examples of her dementia, and the lady-son-caretaker-other residents dynamic. Both of these already work well and to me redeemed the story of any other faults, but I think they could be elaborated on. The basic premise in itself isn't too special so I don't think it's in the cliche, easy to predict big reveal that the text's appeal lies in but rather the more unique take on these two things; I don't think you need to put too much effort into making her dementia non-obvious but instead add more examples of showing its effects on her life and relations. By leaving it as a twist you're in part very much limiting what you can do with her dementia throughout the story; I think it'd be effectful to have her, alongside the reader, trying to figure out where she even is and what a typical day for her looks like. I love how in the very first sentence, the basic premise of the story, it's explained that it's the morning -- a premise that later turns out to be completely false. However, there needs to be more weight to the smaller reveals like this one as well as add more such cases to really add to how confusing and difficult her life is presented as being. The way she struggles physically to get around I think is already very well presented (although I think you could perhaps reduce the first two paragraphs a bit; her physical incapabilities don't need to be shoved that hard in the reader's face, and it'll give you more space for other descriptions), so something similar could be done to present the way her memory actively makes her day-to-day life harder not only in interactions with her son. In the story right now, she on the one hand does have no idea what's happening to her, but still the fundamental parts of her existence isn't threatened; she knows more or less who she is, where she is, what she's doing. The cognitive dissonance that comes to light doesn't seem to bother her, only the reader and her son. Maybe she could be looking for a dead husband or other family, even though her son's right there (this would also add further to the dynamic of him loving her unconditionally without getting much recognition back, ever). I really enjoy the unstated extreme tragedy in "“I know that!” I had remembered he was my son; how could I forget? [...]" -- this is one of the few times where you do show how distraught the lady herself is, how badly she wants to remember but just can't and sees that as a personal failing, which I think could be elaborated more on elsewhere.

I think by adding a bit more depth to the son and his relationship with his mother, you'd do your story a lot of good. If you don't want him to call her "mum" right off the bat, you need some reason for that; making him a loving but somewhat exhausted son who's too tired to go through the same old routine of convincing her he's her son could work (because surely he'd have seen her like this enough times already?). It'd also add some nuance by explaining his frustration and hints at almost not caring about her (it's because he's partially given up), while adding a layer of sadness and deep love and care for his mum. I'd make him slightly less blunt and more tired, gentle and almost mournful. His confusion doesn't really make sense either since, again, surely he's used to this by now. Leaving him silently empathetic and concerned at her mental state would delay him telling her what's really going on just as well as having "gears turn inside his head". By figuring out your characters like this, you'd avoid your dialogue sounding as stilted and unrealistic as it does now. There's no reason he'd greet her with a simple "Hey" and then just stand there, for example. I think with a pre-established dynamic between the son and her caretaker, too, you could add another element to the conversation with the caretaker -- say, her son frustratedly trying to make sure they finally accommodate his mum in some way he's been begging them for for ages, or asking about something, or just talking about her deteriorating health, while his mum constantly interrupts with her anger at the both of them (like the "Everything’s just wonderful, thank you." that's already there). It'd also make the mum feel even more left out and ill-treated and add to the chaotic feeling. Right now, your dialouge exists mainly to serve the story's purposes -- but it should exist because each character is trying to serve their own purposes, taking into account their individual experiences and needs in every moment: what are they trying to accomplish with what they say? While the mystery behind the son's and mum's real relationship and his real feelings certainly has some value, I think he needs to be fleshed out further.

The ending was a bit of an abrupt change in tone, and perhaps them both crying was a bit much, but generally I liked where the story ended up and think you did a good job especially with the word limit. It was certainly an intriguing and emotional detailing of someone living like that (I recently went through something similar with my own grandma). Best of luck to you in your future writing!

GENERAL REMARKS

Overall, I really enjoyed this short story- so well done! I think it has a lot of potential and is material that a lot people can connect with. You have two characters that I am interested about (I immediately want to know more about James once he is introduced- that’s good!) and (as I’ll say further below) the slow reveal of the setting works well- but could be expanded and slowed down a bit. But it kept me engaged throughout the piece. It’s a unique (and perfect voice) for the story and I think that the confusion of the main character could be played up even further (it’s a little to safe at the moment) but the overall context of the story itself is very interesting and you should be proud of that!

MECHANICS

Title was great- made me interested in checking out your story in the first place! Like the use of italicization to further the main characters inner dialogue (I also often use this writing device). A few word choices that some others pointed out: but “cement fingers” really through me. I’m guessing this was to imply that she was old? That it was painful to move? I think the following “shuffling” to the door makes that point a little more clearly. Maybe do another pulse through for words that aren’t typical descriptions. While there are points to originality, you don’t really want your reader to guess the reason for your word choice.

SETTING

I love that the main characters has her own furniture in the room. But I’m curious- is there anything that isn’t hers in the room that she can’t remember buying? Is there a hospital bed that could be revealed later? Flowers or balloons or cards from relatives. I think you can play with more objects in her space to both further her idea as a mother (maybe not to James specifically early on) but to also set up the stage even further for the fact that she’s in a hospital/institution, etc…)

CHARACTER

Choice of characters was excellent. The mother, the son and the worker help reveal the stakes, the location, they further the plot. Wouldn’t change anything on the characters!

HEART

Everybody has people they love, and most know of someone at least that is likely in a similar situation, so it’s easy to connect to what is happening in this story. And everyone I know definitely dislikes traveling door to door salesman, so we empathise with the main character immediately.

PLOT

I understood what was happening throughout the story, even though the main characters wasn’t sure of it herself. That’s great! Although, I’m too sure if the “reveal” is enough of a plot- the entire story is working up to one moment and it’s wrapped up a little too nicely for my taste? This kind of issue is messy and sad and dark- perhaps that’s the way the ending should go? Maybe she doesn’t remember- even after James tell hers? Sure, that would be heartbreaking, but it’s also a reality for so many and leaves the reader I think even more emotionally invested in the characters you created. I would suggest maybe play with an alternate ending!

PACING

I thought the pacing in the beginning was perfect, but once Kendra/Laurie shows up, it sort of lost it’s pace. You spent so much time working up to reveal that she knew him, that I’m not sure the few sentences you have after are rewarded? I would LOVE to see that expanded- does she fight him more? Her immediately dismissing that she know who we was a little too quick for me as well.

DESCRIPTION

In the places you had descriptions, I thought they were good! Albeit short. What is the background of that table? You tell us it was in our family for ages, but how does she remember that but not her son? Is it an expensive table? I think that table could serve as a glue to her family, to the outside world, so that’s something I would look into exploring!

I’m interested in knowing if James is her only child? Where is her husband? Does James visit her often? Is this a common occurrence for James- if so I think that could definitely played up with fatigue or pain? I think those would be interesting areas to explore in expanding your story,

POV

The POV of the mother is perfect for this story - with her issues (is it dementia, I’m assuming? Bipolar disorder? Obviously, something that strikes her memory) you are able to slowly reveal things about the world she is in through her interactions with the characters around her.

DIALOGUE

Overall, I really enjoyed the dialogue! Your characters were believable and I could hear the unique voices they each had. I also really enjoyed the main characters use of thought, I think that’s clever to get even further into her internal dialogue as we only know what she knows. It makes the story more thrilling once we reach that plot twist at the end! One thing I would say is that maybe push the introduction of James- as in the first use of his actual name - until later into the story? I was hinting to me too early that he definitely was not a salesman. Maybe when Laurie comes in she is the one that says James’s name for the first time? They could make the mother more confused/start to think that they are in cahoots.

Also, based on the dialogue, at first, I wasn’t picturing a woman. The grouchiness and harshness of the main character's inner thoughts and dialogue I was picturing a elderly gentleman. Perhaps there is a way to introduce the fact that she’s a woman earlier in the story?

CLOSING COMMENTS:

-Expand the background of the characters -Slow pacing, even some of the reveals (i.e. Jame’s name) to allow your reader to question a little longer- will pay off! -continue to establish the setting with more objects- familiar and unfamiliar

OTHER

Not a critique- but I thought that this was a really clever idea for a short story and I can’t wait to see how it progresses! :)