AITA for wanting to have a cigarette outside with my beer while my 12 month old son slept inside?
For some background - I am a very occasional smoker - maybe 2 or 3 a month with a beer or a coffee. I don’t really buy my own cigarettes, I normally only smoke if someone offers me one. On this day I happened to have a packet of 5 that someone had given me. It was a Saturday and we were in a pub with my wife and 12 month old baby and some of her friends having a lunchtime pint. My son was getting grumpy and tired so I had just pushed him round the block in his chair to get him off to sleep and had delivered him back to the pub. It was a nice day and I quite fancied a cigarette outside with my pint. I said as much to my wife. She got pretty cross, and banned me from going outside, grabbing my knee quite hard to stop me. She said that if I did then she would just go home. She does not really like me smoking but normally tolerates me having the odd one. I had had a cigarette the previous night and she’d been fine with that. To avoid a scene in front of our friends I backed down and didn’t go out for my cigarette, but I was quite cross and we argued on the way home. My argument was that she essentially blackmailed me with the threat of a public scene, that I wasn’t smoking in front of my child (which I agree is not on), that the risk to him is pretty much zero and that neither of us get to order the other on what they are allowed to do or not without discussing it beforehand. She argued that she didn’t want our son exposed to second hand smoke from my clothes and that smoking during the day when he’s awake is worse than at night when he’s in bed.
Edit - for those calling me an asshole for bringing my child to a pub - This was a gastro pub in a posh bit of London. It’s not a dive bar. No one was smoking inside - it’s banned. He’s a baby, he naps well in loud environments. I had one pint with some food for lunch.
Posted Jan 10, 2020, 11:40 AM UTC · edited
ESH in my opinion.
Second hand smoke is bad, especially for children and to be a good role model you should stop smoking altogether. And because you only smoke very infrequently, it shouldn't be as hard as it is for a heavy smoker
She should've talked about that with you beforehand, not threatening to make a public scene.
And most of all, I don't think you should bring a 12 month old to a pub (but I do not know what kind of pub/ if it used to be a smoker's pub/ how much you drank etc.).
Pubs in Britain, and I'm assuming it is, can cover a range of options, and especially in the day they can be everything from a seedy bar to pretty posh location with great food. On Sundays especially whole families eat out at the pub and kids have play areas and that kind of thing.
Pubs are very much family places in Britain now days.
We only ever go to the pub with the kids TBH
Alright, then I take that back as I do not know what kind of pub they went to, the rest still stands.
Him smoking a cigarette outside while the baby is inside does not expose the baby to SHS.
It does, smoke gets on clothes and is still harmful.
That’s not secondhand smoke, and while an issue for people who are regular smokers, someone who smokes a single cigarette occasionally is not going to have enough residue on them to have an impact. They live in London—babies are more exposed to harmful chemicals while talking a walk.
I actually didn't mean just the harm (if there is) of him smoking that one cigarette. I meant smoking in general. Children notice the effect early on (e.g. heavy smoker dad/mom being more relaxed after smoking one) and also often use it as an argument to start smoking too (not with 12 months but I've met people who started smoking at 12 years old and when the parents got mad saying 'well you do it too'). So I think he should stop completely.
I mean you could make the same argument about any of my vices. Should I never drink alcohol in front of him, even if it’s only every now and again? Or have the odd burger from McDonald’s? Personally I have no problem with my son drinking a little and smoking every now and again (when he’s much older obviously!)
Well drinking for example a glass of wine is not a problem and actually healthy, but you shouldn't get drunk in front of your child. Having a burger from McDonald's rarely is fine, going there every other day is not (in my opinion). Smoking one cigarette a month is not as unhealthy as multiple, but as I said, it's the message that bothers me. You say you're fine when he is much older, but he's going to use the argument 'well but you're doing it too' (either to you or maybe while doing it in secret) as soon as he gets in touch with it. That can be when he is 18 and it can be when he is 12. In my school a lot of people started smoking with 14 years of age. Of course you can try to teach him how unhealthy smoking/drinking/burgers are, but especially if one of his parents did it, he is going to want to make his own experiences.
Edit: spelling
I agree that he shouldn’t smoke, I don’t think anyone should. Just replying to the comment about second hand smoke.
It does. Smoke on clothing and hair have an impact.
That is called “thirdhand smoke” and is still being researched. The residue of one cigarette smoked in an outdoor area is unlikely to have an impact.