It's like my brain is constantly looking for ways to hurt itself

I do this all the time. Constantly back and fourth with myself in my head. It honestly makes me feel pathetic. This is why I write things down. Otherwise I feel like I might just explode. I write down how I’m feeling, if I don’t want to do that I write down what I did for the day or what my goals are for this month. Or maybe I’ll write what I’m appreciative about at the moment and what I think I’ve done well on. Just venting helps minimise that voice inside that makes you want to implode.

It’s tough it really is, but the fact you recognise these thoughts means you’re already rewiring your brain. You’re rewiring beliefs that have been firmly implanted in you, that’s going to take some time. I know you don’t want it to take time, it’s not fair, you didn’t do this to yourself, why should you have to suffer through all of this. But unfortunately, those things have happened that have got you to this point. But it’s not all doom and gloom, it can and it will get better. You have that to look forward to. For now it might seem like it’s not getting better, but it is. Your mind just needs to purge everything.

Take some pressure off yourself for thinking you have to control these thoughts so much. If it gets noisy up there then just observe, try to let the thoughts happen without having an opinion on them. Half the thoughts we have aren’t even our own anyway, they’re stuff we’ve picked up from others, so don’t be so hard on yourself. You recognise that these thoughts aren’t true, you know that. So if your mind wants to go off on a tangent for a minute maybe jot it all down or just let it rant and sit back and observe it all going on up there. Having these thoughts doesn’t mean they are true, and not stopping them doesn’t make them true either.

You’re not alone in this! Feel proud of yourself for how far you’ve come and for refusing to give up.

Edit: I also like to do a body scan when things get too much. Just stop and observe how you feel start from your head work your way down. Does your head feel heavy? Are your eyes tightened? Is your jaw clenched? Is your neck and shoulders hunched together? Is your chest closed in and breathing heavy or fast? How does your stomach feel? Are you clenching your firsts or fidgeting with your hands? Are you legs cramped up and your toes curled or feet fidgeting? Just checking in with yourself physically can really help you to relax and bring you back into the moment and out of your head.

I cry silently for now. It's been a few days over a year since I came out about my abuse. I think the same way I feel like a child in adults body.

Struggling with this a lot recently! Viscous fucking cycle. My best friend who is very logical with a lot of things but finds it hard to be empathetic sometimes said to me "you're doing this to yourself" and I can't even argue because it's true. But therapy has made me realise that this is child inside me acting out to not feeling safe. Just listen to it, feel it, let it pass. You've got control, but be patient. Good luck!

Idk about you, but for me it's like...

Deep down I know that there's zero excuse for the kinds of horrific things I've witnessed and endured, that nothing I have ever done could even remotely compare, and that it's lunacy to believe that me occasionally being sassy or angry to those who hurt me is somehow equal to them knowingly being cruel and abusive and terrorizing...

...but it is almost comforting to believe in the simplicity of cause and effect. To try and make sense of the nightmarish absurdity of it all. To pretend I have some kind of control over it, and that if I only did or did not do XYZ, I could make sure it Never Happens Again. To become hyper-controlling of myself so maybe I can prevent it. So this time I won't "provoke" someone to do terrible things to me.

The only thing that "provokes" people to prey on others is their own hate.

I just am wishing that it was about any of the excuses they tried to make for it. If only! If only I could follow a set of guidelines and guarantee I'd never be preyed upon again. Fact is, predators gonna predator no matter what, and they're supported by predatory systems, and there's nothing I can do to stop that machine from grinding on. All I can do is make the best of the poop sandwich I've been handed. And that is harder to face than "maybe if I smile more I will be okay this time".

Sorry to hear that. I was thinking about this earlier today. I get in these moods where I am convinced no one will ever like me. And thinking about it more, it seems like if people do say they like me I feel compelled to push them away. Like the reality doesn't match up with the inner critic, so I need to fix that.

My brain seems to be obsessed with telling me that no one will ever love me. It's the most persistent thing I have wrestled with and the one that causes me the most distress. If I get suicidal thoughts, it's almost always about this. I know it's not true, and there are some instances where I can disprove it, but it's like my brain isn't satisified until I am convinced. There is also another part that fights back, and then I just feel burnt out mentally and am ready to isolate for the rest of the day. :P

Are you me? I constantly feel I would've done something wrong if people ever treat me badly, I have these thoughts that I don't even deserve love (and so, if someone shows kindness to me, my mind thinks it's only out of pity / I just imagine it) and that I'm a burden to everyone and should therefore push each and every person away from me to avoid hurting them in any way...

I oftentimes wonder just how long it will take for me to fix these ways of thinking for good.

BTW. Happy cake day! 🎂

this shit is EXHAUSTING!!!! I HATE it so much.

Being in my brain feels like being trapped on a treadmill you can't switch off.

LOL @ people who try to hurt my feelings though.

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Today was a bad day for this. It was comforting to come here and read exactly what I needed to hear to reassure myself I'm not fucking nuts.

I hope your tomorrow is a good one.