Arbitrary Rules and Weaponized Guilt

Exwbpd is at it again. To spare all the details, the gist is that I’m trying to thread a need by having a civil (yes you can laugh) friendship with my ex so that I can still be part of her young daughter’s life (who Ive helped raise for the past 4 yrs).

That lil girl is my heart, and what my ex doesn’t understand is that to the kid I’m a life preserver in a sea of her mothers emotional chaos.

My ex has her daughter half the week and every other weekend. Every couple weeks, exwbpd decides I need to be around either more often or less often for the kid—bc whatever the current amount is somehow wrong and hurtful. She adjusts this so much that her daughter has no clue the next time she will see me. There’s no stability in the schedule. And the poor kid is anxiety ridden because of it (which my ex refuses to see).

When my exwbpd decides I need to be around less, I’m made to feel like my presence is damaging. When she decides I need to be around more, I’m made to feel like my absence is damaging. There is no middle.

And when I’m trying to stop her from cutting me off from her daughter completely (which is usually when she’s mad about an entirely unrelated matter)she sets up shape shifting obstacle courses that I’m supposed to navigate before I’m allowed to see her daughter. Acknowledge this, admit that, yada yada yada.

My ex projects whatever is going on between us on to the kid. Something to the effect of “she (the kid) doesn’t need someone around her who disrespects her mother.”

At this moment, plans for Monday for me to see the kid have been cancelled (by the ex)—and the kid doesn’t have any idea I won’t be there. My ex asked her daughter last week in front of me if the kid wanted me to spend the day with them on MLK. The kid excitedly said yes. And now there’s a broken promise hanging out there just waiting to hit this first grade little girl like a brick to the face come next week.

I’m so torn between trying to be a needed life preserver for a child who I love like she was my own, and walking away completely bc the manner in which her mother allows or disallows me around might be more damaging to all of us than if I just vanished.

I could really use some perspective guys . Help me out here. I’m so sad and confused about what is right and what is selfish anymore that I don’t know up from down on this one. I got out of the romantic relationship, left the house, and have been living elsewhere for months. I would never move back in. But slowly losing my lil heart, the only “daughter” I’ve ever had, is breaking me more than words can explain