Source
r/Screenwriting•
AlexLuckless

"LOVE_IS_A_DLL" - Drama/Coming-of-Age (120 pgs.)

SCRIPT SWAP

Title: LOVE_IS_A_DLL

Genre: Drama/Coming-of-Age

Logline: After mistakenly deleting his screenplay, an insecure postgrad's life quickly decays when a sociopathic café barista starts helping him rewrite his movie. Birdman meets Still Alice.

Link: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1JcE360cxAHBuiVkLlCEtjlNXGXHzxGE3

__________________________

*Technically a repost ;)

Many thank you's to everyone on here who swapped with me and gave constructive notes. On these last rounds of editing, I am primarily seeking dialogue-related feedback — but if y'all catch any grammatical errors that I might have missed, it would certainly make my day :)

I have a lot of time to kill this weekend since I am hiding indoors, so if anyone has a completed project (< 125 pgs.) that they would like an extra set of eyes on, I would be more-than-happy to help. Just PM –

​

Best,

Alex :)

Posted Jan 26, 2020, 12:25 PM UTC · edited

56
Nativeseattleboy•

Recommend reading this. He also gives FANTASTIC notes.

2
cyberkell•

Although your logline's under 25 words, you've fallen into the trap of using too many syllables.

I'd recommend something like this:

"After accidentally deleting his screenplay, a self-destructive loner's life spirals out of control when an unhinged barista helps him rewrite his movie."

A logline needs to be under 25 words AND around 150 characters.

This site's pretty helpful to keep track of it:

https://wordcounter.net/

2
AlexLucklessOP•

Somehow, your version has a certain musical simplicity to it. Thanks a bunch :)

1
midgeinbk•

Although only a stickler would care about this, you've got a misplaced modifier there (it's "a self-destructive loner" who deletes the screenplay, not his life). Try this slight adjustment:

After accidentally deleting his screenplay, a self-destructive loner sees his life spiral out of control when an unhinged barista helps him rewrite his script.

1
AlexLucklessOP•

Thanks y'all <3

1
lukenomics•

I have a 103-page anthology horror feature, if you would like to do a swap with that one.

1