Source
r/OCPoetry•
jenny-andthejets

The Lights

Feedback Received!

Stay with me into the night,

and help me keep the lights.

​

Let all the moonlight

pour through the window,

then pass me a handful of stars

to dust over my bed

​

Switch on our yellow nightlight,

and cast out a prayer

to all the old sun gods

​

Set ablaze the apple-scented candle

on our nightstand, and

summon images in the

flames of autumn leaves

​

Collect all the fireflies in a glass jar,

then release them to fly around

like slow shooting stars

​

Stay with me into the night,

and help me keep the lights.

​

When you are gone I will hang

the blackout curtains

​

When you are gone I will paint

the walls darker than the raven’s wings

​

When you are gone I will surrender

to what the lights kept at bay

​

1/2

Posted Mar 2, 2020, 5:33 AM UTC · edited

23
X_PartyPoison_X•

Wow thats some beautiful heavy stuff. I actually love this, but i wish it conveyed a little more emotion near the end when the narrator talks about how it would be when they leave. The narrator is begging this person not to leave, because without them, the world becomes dark, and scary, and if you showed how heart wrenching that would be for the narrator it would be better. That only line that really conveyed that for me was the last one.

2
InisibleContribution•

I like this a lot. You get the feeling that the lights are something bigger than actual lights. Maybe peace? Maybe love? Who knows. At any rate, I would consider changing the wording from lights plural to light singular. Just for the sound and flow...

2
whyisitthewayitis•

This poem hurt. I broke up with the one. At least who my subconscious has fixated on being the one. Life was great, the moonlight through the window was all I ever wanted in this world because The more moonlight we shared, the more time we shared that otherwise would have been spent asleep. Extra time, for the one who counted.

Fiery love, blinked out by an illusion of a tidal wave. A spark snuffed out, my back turned and to my astonishment... the spark that burnt my world down.

I didn't like reading that poem per-say because I truly could feel/ experience the thoughts and the description of the feelings portrayed in the writing to their fullest while idly being an indescribable feeling or essence.

If this is your true emotions, your true demons. You suffer the same fate as I. The only thing that keeps me going are the little things in life, and the ratio theory. The ratio theory is my nonsense conceived that if I went to a high school with 2500 people and I found "the one" (0.0004%), then there must be (3000000 - 1) more "the one"s floating around out there in the world.

For literal constructive criticism: that was depressing. Write about more lively stuff next time! (I wouldn't have said anything but mods are gonna call this "garbage feedback" otherwise)

2