Contacted My Mom After No Contacts for 4 Years

At age 30 I developed Panic Disorder and crippling anxiety. I had lost 40 lbs and was severely under weight and struggling to even eat. That's when I found out I had cPTSD and it's been a process of tons of therapy, drugs, daily practice in order to recover. I had cut contact with my mother (she was the most triggering thing) once I realized how she was preventing me from healing.

Even though I've had my mom's number on block my phone loves to still allow her to leave voicemails and sometimes I have trouble not listening. This time she said she felt she could help me and if I would contact her she would share her newfound information with me. I finally broke my no contact rule and sent her this. I know I'm likely to regret this decision later. God have mercy on my soul.

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" I am already getting all the help I can get. I am taking care of myself. I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Generalize Anxiety. This is a life-long condition caused by repeated chronic trauma in childhood. I don’t know if you know what triggers are (something that causes your brain/body to return to an unresolved trauma to relive it again over and over making it very difficult to see reality for anything but your traumatic experiences), but if you care to know about it I can tell you I am triggered multiple times a day and have been all my life and had no idea what any of it was. It would have been easier if I could have considered my childhood in the past, but because of the way the brain handles trauma as a child, I don’t get to choose when it resurfaces and what triggers those memories to return. All that I have control over is getting the best support I can, keep working at it every day and slowly learn that I am now safe as an adult. The triggers will come, but I can work to change how I respond to them. However, I cannot make progress to live a healthier life if I do not set healthy boundaries in every aspect of my life.

Unfortunately, our relationship is the most triggering thing for me. Knowing that you can not see the reality of how my childhood from both you and Dad has adversely affected my life even as an adult actually forces me to disconnect all together. What you don’t seem aware of is that you struggle with the same thing and understandably it is very difficult to deal with every day. But your choice to not work to see it for what it is and get the help needed and have healthier relationships… I have to make the difficult decision to do what is best for me. I am choosing to take responsibility for where and how my life goes even though I had no choice as a child. What is healthy for me is me taking care of me. I hope you do the same for yourself.
Even now, I know that contacting you to explain anything will trigger you. A flood of emotions and memories will surface and you will feel confusion, frustration, pain, grief, etc. You’ll have trouble coping with coming to terms with all of that and will do your best with what you know to deal with that overwhelming experience. And should you feel denial, know that the first course of action your brain will take to deal with any trauma is to deny it’s existence. It’s painful to let yourself feel that reality. Maybe you’ll turn to Doug for comfort, maybe go on Facebook to share the latest news of a tragedy occurring, call or text your children, pray or talk to God. Anything to stop you from feeling what you’re feeling. Anything to soothe or even numb the pain is better than nothing. I honestly am not even sure if any of this will make sense because you may go into a trigger that distorts your interpretation of all of this.
It is all of our burden to understand what it is we feel, think, and believe and to take care of ourselves. We can not take care of others if we do not take care of ourselves. Please respect my wishes to not contact me unless I contact you. You should know that contacting me WILL trigger me at this point. I am not well enough to separate out reality from the flashbacks. I don’t know when I will be. Part of my process in healing is setting my own boundaries, creating my own safe space mentally, emotionally and physically. If I feel unsafe, or I know I will be triggered by something and struggle to cope thereafter, I will not put myself in that situation.

I understand that you and Doug feel that this is the work of the devil and I guess you could say that, but me choosing not to be in contact with you is not part of that. The damage has already been dealt. I’m now in a state of healing and that does not include an obligation for contact with anyone that does not help with that process, even family. It may be hard for you to understand, but the best thing you can do to help me, is to respect my decisions and get help for yourself, but that is a choice you have to make."

It feels to finally say my truth. I didn't go out of my way to attack her but I didn't sugar coat anything either. In a way I feel a weight off my shoulders. At least now I have said my peace for as much as I care to share with her.