I really believed. For a long time. But it isn't true and my life was built on a lie.

I tried to square it with my feminism, I tried to understand it in an enlightened way (I practiced Kundalini Yoga and Meditation for years) but I just couldn't deal with the cognitive dissonance any longer.

But I was as honest as I could be, and I tried in my callings, and I tried to raise my family in the right ways. I was genuine. I tried to be good. I repented. I failed and tried again.

It didn't matter how genuine, honest, true and upstanding I was, because my foundations were quicksand. I was being subsumed by ideology and I was turned into an automaton.

I find this hard to reconcile - how my genuine, true efforts were worth nothing. Nothing.