I feel disgusting and I am.

My girlfriend and I haven't had sex in quite a while- probably 3 months? And it was about 2 months before that, too. I don't know if it's emotional distance that's creating beddeath, or beddeath that's creating emotional distance. She has a high libido- we both do- and has mentioned that dry spells mess with her mental health and self esteem. She hates initiating. I haven't been mentally well, either. I'm on antidepressants now, which is gonna change that I guess, but I don't want her for some reason. Talking to her about anything casual is hard lately, much less about us.

And all this just to say: I want to cheat.

I'm not going to!! I never will!! But I think about it sometimes. I've got kinky friends who have swinging parties, and I want to go to one alone and just fuck around like I'm single without a care in the world, but we aren't open like that. She'd have a literal breakdown if I ever suggested going to something like that, even going together. And I feel disgusting for wanting to do that kind of thing with other people while in a relationship at all. It's the equivalent of getting fast food when your fridge is already full, because you're just too lazy to cook. We could maybe solve these issues if we went to counseling or something, but that's hard, and sleeping around would be easy. And I just hate that I think this.

Please don't judge me. like I said, I'm not actually going to cheat. I just had to get this out.