I’ve never told anyone about my suicide attempt and I feel like I’m carrying a load I don’t want to carry anymore.

Hi there. This account is brand new but I promise it’s not spam. I just want to obviously not have this traced back to me because I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I’ve never told anyone about my suicide attempt or the specifics and I just want to process them out loud. I mean there’s a few people who know it happened as you’ll read below but I don’t think they know what lead to it.

But basically it was New Year’s Eve of freshman high school year. My family didn’t know I was gay but it was gaining traction at school. We had a New Year’s Eve party and a bunch of friends from church were over. I’d obviously been struggling for a while with a lot of backstory and shit (isolation from friends, disassociation between “ideal” future and current present - you know the usual stuff) and I asked to play super smash bro’s on the 64. It was my brother, a friend I’ve had since I was like 2, another friend from church, and maybe a 4th person? I feel like there was definitely a barrier for me to play but it’s a little fuzzy. Idk maybe the barrier was myself or something. Anyways they said “you can play after this round”. Anyways the round ends and I ask to play and they tell me no again. I mean looking back it was so stupid that’s what the trigger was but it was (granted I feel every trigger is a stupid trigger to an extent in the long run). I had some pain pills I had from a while ago (someone was living with us and they were threatening to commit suicide with pain pills. The fire department came and talked them down but it was in the room next to mine. They left and for some reason they just threw the pills away. I took them out of the trash and saved them. I remember thinking “ew trash pills” and I think it was funny that a barrier of literally killing my self was that the source of death was icky). Anyways I grabbed those and sat in my bathroom for about 20 minutes. I had a few letters written for specific people (one for my friend because I had a crush on him and told him and he just sort of went “hah guess you are gay” (but not like in a bad way more like an understanding but still uncomfortable way) and I didn’t want him to think it was his fault, one for my parents explaining i was gay and didn’t want them to hate me for it, and I remember there being a 3rd but I can’t remember who it was for). anyways I got those out and put them on my bed and went to the bathroom. I sat there for a second or maybe an hour but I sat there with the pills in my hand. At one point I texted my friend something. I can’t remember what but I remember telling her what I was doing. Nothing she could say would stop me. Then I started downing pills. I counted as I took them. She was texting me trying to stop me but it did nothing. But then after pill 5 I just stopped. It wasn’t a wave of regret or “what have I done” I just.... stopped. I then flushed the remaining pills away and put my letters back in their hiding spot and went to bed.

I have no clue what stopped me but something did. I can’t say I’ve been grateful every day for that because this is an ongoing struggle but recently I’ve been in a place I’m satisfied with. I don’t think about this often but when I do I don’t know what to do so... here we are...

Anyways I don’t know if there’s a message to derive from this or if it’s just another long rant but I felt it’s been sitting in me for many years now and I just wanted to put it out there and let the universe do as it may with it.