Mom, I need therapy. But I'm too scared to ask.

I need therapy, mom. But every time I go to ask you to help, I can't say the words. I don't want to disappoint you. There's something that's been weighing on me for years, and I know I should be over it, but I'm not.

Remember that girl I dated for three years? Yes, the one you hated (you were right and we both know it). I never told you, but she was abusive. Physically and emotionally, for three long years. I still feel the slap marks and punches. I still flinch when women make quick movements around me. I still wake up, clawing at my throat, unable to breathe. I'm still scared, ma.

I'm so scared.

All the time.

I know I should be over it by now and my God have I tried so hard but it still comes up. Three times, just yesterday, when with my female friends, I caught myself whispering "please don't hurt me." I'm so so grateful to have friends who love me, who I love, that would never hurt me, but sometimes I'm still so God damned scared of the day they realize how worthless I am and how angry they are at me and how much I deserve to be hit again.

I know I shouldn't complain. I'm a strong, tall man, I can take a hit. Other people have it so much worse than me, and honestly it wasn't all that bad. She didn't hurt me that often. And she only hit me full force twice.

I don't know. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I just need to get over myself. I'm sorry if I wasted anyone's time. Thank you for reading.