In need of serious help. Life or relationship advice needed and appreciated for my quick life story

Just a note before you start reading this. I am sorry it's a bit all over the place. I have been making this for awhile and am posting in somewhat of an order that makes sense to others I hope. But I think this has been therapeutic for me and I really needed that. But still i am in need of help but there is a lot that needs explained so I'd appreciate it if you could make the time for all of this

So i just dont know what to do. I'm lost and could use advice because I have no one to turn to so why not ask here.

A little about me that will come into play later, I absolutely never ever have talked about feelings or being sad or anything like that. I tell no one how I feel. Not even myself really I just keep it all inside. I struggle to explain my feelings to people even myself or my girlfriend. I have always kept everything inside at a funeral, receiving terrible news. I just bottle it up and move on that's how I always have done it and that's how I thought everyone dones it.

So for some background i am currently in my junior year of college double majoring in engineering which is not at all easy. I am extremely stressed because my gpa is not very good and I have failed a few classes. I am constantly worried about my school work and my future. Last semester was about the worst few months of my life. I was constantly worrying about school and I had a very hard semester with a lot of classes along with a lot of homework each week.

A little over a year ago I noticed I really wasnt myself anymore and I couldn't tell why and I finally broke down in front of my mother and she tried to talk to me about it. But I had no idea how to even how to explain myself. But me being me I did not want to so she said I should talk to my doctor about it.

• side note my mother works at my doctor's office so she talked to her about it before I went, they have been friends for years and I'm from a small town.

While there she asked me some questions, I unfortunately did not answer honestly because It was all becoming clear what was wrong with me and I was just baffled. But she thought I was showing signs of depression and anxiety. I had always thought I was fine so this was a big shock. But because I lied and my results "weren't that bad" meaning when I answered it shifted the results to me not having it as bad as I really do. So I had the choice to be put on medication. I of course denied this because I still couldn't believe what was wrong with me. Ever since this episode a year ago there had been no mention of it in my family and everything has been "fine"

Another bit of background. After examining myself I realize that I never had any friends in high school. I would go to school be bullied by my "friends" and then come home, do my homework and play video games. This was my life for 4 years not really going to any sporting events for fear of opening my mouth and being picked on. I didnt really realize this was true until no high school friends showed up to my graduation party even though I went to a few despite having a broken leg at the time. I still tried to make it to as many as I could for my "friends" also during high school I never had a girlfriend. It was not because I did not want to but rejection was all I had ever seen and what I had come to expect.

A month or so after all of this happened (the trip to the doctor) I met a girl from my hometown and we soon fell in love. At least I thought. I'm not sure if I really fell in love with her or if I fell in love with the idea that there was someone who cared for me in a different way other than family and really truly cared. It started off great we spent every minute together we could and loved it. During this time we never fought or argued.

Another side note. When I was a freshman in college I lived in a dorm which was expensive and there were 3 of my "friends" from my hometown who went to the same school. So we decided to get a small 2 bedroom appartment together to save money our sophomore year. And I share a room. This was a great idea to start but after years I'm completely over it and I hate 2 of my roomates. They refuse to take out trash, clean, empty the dish washer and its infuriating cleaning after someone who is 20+. However we committed to finish our college life here and it is almost over, but if it wasnt for the location and the cheap rent split 4 ways it is the best way financially to live. And the only thing I can afford really

Now last August (2019) she came to my school, she decided before we were together, and with the pressure of school along with all my other issues and my roommates it was terrible. I could not sleep. I would often stay up till past 3 or 3 30 before attempting to sleep and taking much longer to sleep and I had to be up by 8 15 for classes. And the stress just built up all semester. I still am not sure what happened one night during finals week but If i had to guess it was a severe panic or anxiety attack. And that is when I began really second guessing everything.

This is meant to be now (March 2020) I notice my girlfriend and I dont have as much fun as we used to, we fight more and get mad over small things and just get irritated with each other which tends to escalate into something bigger. I just dont know what to do anymore because I think I still love her but when her mood is off it just seems to wipe out and waste my whole day trying to talk to her and get her out of it. It is getting harder and harder and it seems she is starting to question me about my feelings and this is starting to make me question things like if I am in love with her or just the idea of a relationship. I feel when we have our good days they are good to great. But our bad days are just the worst.

I honestly dont know if I could bring myself to breakup with her because she is madly in love with me, which I really love because no other girl has even thought about that with me. But she is kind of like me where she is just so alone in life and has no one. Her friends arent real friends. They dont ask her to do things, or even text and talk. If they do talk they either want something or its about 1 time a month. And these friends are also from our high school and they also go to the same college so it's not like there is distance.

If we were to say break up I would be seriously worried about her because she hasn't had the best childhood, she only has a mother who works a lot of hours to help with her college payments. She also has an older brother who if he had the change would probably wanna beat me up if he could (and probably will if it comes to that) Buy honestly I feel like she is going through some of the same things as me and I just dont want to think of the worst case scenario where she could end up. Because I know I have thought about it but I was able to pull myself out of that. There has already been multiple "worst case scenarios" in my hometown and there is no coming back from that.

I just dont know what to do. I try to think positive but I'm just lost and could use help. Over anything and everything you read. Any point you make will be read and considered in my future decisions. Regarding my health, her health or my relationship. I'm just lost.

If you have made it this far I really appreciate your time for this. I truly do. I will read every commit and try to respond as quickly as I can to help clear things up if they are confusing. I know it's a weird format but I wasnt sure of the best way to do this Thank you!!