I just need to get this out.

TW: Suicide.

I haven't talked about this since it happened. I think it could help.

On December 30th, 2019, I had a severe drug overdose. I had intentionally taken all of my psych medication that I had on hand (about 110 pills). I had been considering overdosing for months and had stopped taking my meds and began to stockpile for when I was ready. My mom drove me to the edge by saying some really messed up stuff to me and I went up to my bathroom and took every single pill in under 5 minutes.

After I had taken all of them, I realized what I had done. I knew how hurt my boyfriend would be if I died. I yelled out for help and my brother came to the bathroom. I was shaking with all the empty pill bottles in my hand. I kept telling him "I messed up, I messed up." After about 30 seconds he asked me what I did. All I could say was "I took them. All of them." He left me in the bathroom and went to find our parents and told them what happened. He came upstairs and my mom said "guess we have to call 911 now. Great." She was upset. She was on the phone with them and eventually gave me the phone because the dispatcher wanted to talk to me. I told them what pills I took and how many.

My mom and brother went downstairs and waited for the ambulance and firemen. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. My dad stood by the bathroom door asking me why I did this and how I could be so stupid. I begged him to leave and let me die. After about 10ish minutes the EMT and firemen showed up. They took my blood pressure, asked me questions about why I had done it and told me I was gonna have to go to the hospital.

My mom had been telling me (before help arrived) "I hope you know what you just did. They're gonna stick needles in you and put a tube into your stomach and make you vomit and then you're gonna have to stay there." My mom knew I feared needles due to past trauma so I began to freak out. As the men were helping me I began to ask if they were gonna stick needles and tubes in me. They told me they would not put any in me and that once I got to the hospital I would probably only need an IV due to the type of pills I had taken.

The ambulance arrived ready to take me to the hospital. I was in pajamas and didn't have on socks. I asked the fireman to please get me socks from my bedroom and he did. They walked me downstairs and strapped me to a stretcher. I then was taken to an emergency psych ward. I began to vomit on my own and then had an IV put in.

My mom sat in my room telling me how much of an inconvenience it was for her to have to be at the hospital and how she had to cancel plans with her friends all because I did this.

I ended up being released 6 hours after I was admitted and have been on the proper medication, in therapy, and seeing psych doctors ever since. I am doing much better but I just needed to get all of this off my chest.