Earlier today...

You seemed so off. You were hiding something and you were doing things without paying attention. You were waiting on me to leave before you had someone over I believe. Or multiple people. One thing you did was turn on your bedroom lights for no reason at all. I've never seen you turn them on at that time before. You also normally do 1 of 2 things when you get home: change clothes for the gym or get in your white shirt and undies to play video games. Today you completely forgot to take off your work shirt. You were setting at your desk, in your work shirt and underwear, watching videos until I left so you could do what you're waiting to do.

I asked you what you were going to do and you flat out lied to me. It's nothing new and has happened for years. Yeah I lie to you occasionally but you sneak and lie way more than I do. You know what would happen if you told me the truth? Nothing at all except positive change. I would straighten up, be tickled to death, and love you even more. I'd give you more time for yourself and your activities. But the biggest thing, for me anyway, is that I'd feel included.

I expect a lot better from you going forward. I expect you to be as good as I know you can be. You don't have to lie to me, just come out and say it. What are you so afraid of? You obviously don't care to hurt me. You don't care to hold me down when it comes to sex. It affects so many different aspects of my life. And yeah, it is your responsibility. You signed up for it when we became best friends. You make me so happy in every other way but you fall short in the way that's most important to you. That's unacceptable. You have Benn treating me to some things but you won't give me anything I ask for. It's all what you want or are comfortable with.

If you don't open up or do anything that I ask for sexually, I'll be okay. I'll make it just fine and be satisfied with all the things I have to be satisfied with to be your best friend. But if I ask you for other things, like spending time with me or not to go out because I need your support, I don't expect you to put up a fuss. Sometimes I do need to talk with you or just spend some time doing nothing curled up in your lap. It really helps me to think you'd cancel plans to make me feel better. Not that I want you to do that. I want you to do exactly what you wanna do. But there might be times when I need you, and I sure hope you'll be there like you are all the time.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you to change your plans. I would feel bad because I'd know it's not what you wanna do. I won't ask to be prioritized in front of your other friends. Old me would have when we were together. But that's just not what I want anymore. Just be happy and I'll find a way to be happy too. I've rambled a lot, but oh well. I write what's on my mind and just keep going sometimes. I hope you had fun today. I love you.