Nobody asked for this but here’s my life story, excuse me if I’m fucked up

So this is a long one, I’m only 19, you may think this is stupid, but it isn’t to me, and I just want to tell someone.

So I’m going to start around the earliest I could remember or make sense of what was happening in my family, I’m not an only child, I have an older and younger sister, my mom was forced into marriage as soon as she was legal to a man twice her age, who is pretty abusive, and married two women before her but left him at some point, my mom later on finds evidence of messages written to him from his exes telling him to stop the court cases and other things, basically writing and asking him to please leave them alone.

So my dad is a plastic surgeon, or at least he says he is, I could never really tell if he’s telling the truth, but that doesn’t change how he presents himself to the people outside our family, and everyone around him really puts him in high regard. He came out of a poor and abusive family, with at least 7 other siblings, 4 of which were half brothers and sisters. Around the time when he married my mom, he got a job opportunity outside the country we live in, so he left with my mom, they had my older sister there, and at first nothing was wrong with their little family, but dad started expressing how much he wanted a son next, and got mom pregnant as soon as he could again, and to his horror it was again a girl (me), but dad still let it pass, under the condition of me being named the same as my grandma, his mom.

From there on my grandma, was being really toxic and was trying to play with my dad’s mind saying my mom is a goat (?) That only breeds girls and that someone is cursing them and other weird stuff, and it was getting my dad really agitated with my mom, and he started abusing her, and at the same time, he would keep getting her pregnant, and when she’d reach the time where they can get an ultrasound, they would keep finding that she’s pregnant with girls, this happened twice, and dad basically forced my mom to miscarry those two babies by abusing her... he wouldn’t even take her to a hospital after the thing or during it, he’d just take care of the process at home... idk how he did it, idk how doctors or surgeons work, all I remember is seeing my mom cry in a pool of blood for so long... after the first two miscarriages, every time my got pregnant for two more times, he’d still ‘take care’ of it at home, without even knowing if it was a boy or a girl, the last miscarriage was a boy tho, and that in a way broke my dad or something.

The next baby from there also turned out to be a girl, and dad let her come to the world thankfully, but that didn’t stop the abuse and just really made it worse. My dad started doing other stuff too like not letting my mom talk to any of her family, he wouldn’t let any of us go out or leave the house unless he’s there, he brought our grandma to live with us, which was really bad since she needed a lot of help all the time because she’s old and sickly, but she was also very toxic, like really. Basically, we lived in isolation from the world, and the only form of escape was our school, and because it was mandatory for family to be in school events and stuff with the kids my dad would allow my mom to go with us sometimes.

From there my mom started meeting other people, she told some of her closer friends what was happening and they helped smuggle a phone to her so she could talk to their family, and my mom, would take our lunch money to pay for the international calls, and at that time, she convinced us that it was for a good cause, and we didn’t mind it as kids really. Eventually, someone from her family gave her the number of a family friend who was living where we’re at and could help her sometimes or if she needs something, and that lead to somehow mom getting him to make her a spare key, her going out sometimes while dad was at work and cheating on him with that man, who was btw married, but at that time, I didn’t understand that, and not one of us minded, she got caught a couple times, it was bad, but she kept doing it, and I don’t blame her, I can understand what it felt like now that I’m older.

Around that time, I was more of a daddy’s girl, his favorite, and I was actually telling on my mom... I didn’t understand what it would do, I was a kid, so I’m sorry for that. But also around that time, this is a little fucked to say, but I was sexually developing as a child? I was around 6, and I loved playing with my vagina and trying to move things around down there, I don’t understand why that was happening, but it just was what it was, I didn’t know what I was doing at that time, I just knew it felt good, and my mom caught me doing it once, and she tied me to a chair, and threatened to burn him hands if I were to ever touch myself again, and for the rest of the day till my dad came back home, I was kept tied up to that chair. It filled me with hatred, and I kept telling on her, and I kept touching myself in secret.

So fast forward to when I’m around 10, we were traveling back to our country, and mom was fed up with it all, and she herded the 3 of us, and ran away while my dad was at baggage claim. We didn’t have money or clothes or anything really, all we had was one number and hope that they didn’t change it, it was my aunt’s number, and she answered, and mom got out, we got out of this isolation. And for 2 years, we hadn’t spoken to our dad, and only had to because of court and stuff, because my parents were going through divorce. All was fine, everything is fine ish now.

My mom got remarried illegally to a bunch of men, they know nothing about each other, she wildin our her life, still fighting my dad in court, really, none of us care what she does at this point just as much as much as she doesn’t care about us.

So now my older sister has a fiancé, and my younger sister is obese and lesbian, and I’m a hoe. Online hoe, I post and sell nudes on Reddit and other platforms, I’m cute ish, I look 15, and I’m using this to my advantage, so I’m really just the worst kind of person, I have a bunch of online boyfriends (I treat them all just fine, none of them know anything, I’m good as long as they’re good to me), I’m just getting into my first irl relationship, still a virgin, but living that secret online hoe life.

Pretty depressed, pretty fucked in the head from smoking, have no purpose in life. I don’t know... nothing else to say really other than... yeah, if you read this, sorry if it was stupid and purposeless ✌🏻