someone please help me

i’ll give you guys some backstory.

my name is caìtlyn, i’m 15 years old, almost 16, and i live in NYC. when i was 12, i had my first suicidal thoughts, when my best friend, my cousin, was arrested but ultimately put in a rehab program for two years for drug abuse. i was in a private school at the time, and with pressures unlike anything i experienced from both school and my abusive mother and grandmother (dad died when i was little), i collapsed. i self-harmed for the first time, and had my first two suicide attempts that i only told my mom about, just to get laughed at. i got kicked out of school and had to be transferred to public school close to my house.

fast forward a few years and i’m in 10th grade now. i have, within the last 7 months, been put into 4 mental treatment facilities for suicide attempts that were called in by my school or my sister. i have been diagnosed with ptsd, bipolar disorder, depression, gad, and borderline personality disorder. my therapist threatens me constantly, my parents still abuse me physically and emotionally, and i’ve become a bad kid, so to speak. i’ve become a major pothead and i don’t go to school much anymore, although it used to be what i looked forward to.

i’m on the verge of ending it all again. i found out last night that a close friend of mine committed suicide. my parents have been talking (and not thinking that i heard) about disowning me/sending me to foster care so they’d only have to take care of my younger sister, who is so much better than me. i don’t know what to do. i’m holding the knife in my hand and i’m just ready to end it all. what do i do what do i do.