I’m struggling, Fam.

Trigger warning: self harm, csa

I’ve been doing EMDR for a while now and hit on a memory that won’t work out. It’s comprised of a few still images with cervical discomfort and nausea. I can’t figure out where I am but know I’m outside and it’s a few different ages. It came up surrounded by memories of csa from when I was 12 that I remember in detail. My fight response kicks in when these come up so I asked it to step back so I can see things clearer. It stepped back last session but I still can’t fucking work it out.

I’m in a depression hole the likes of which I haven’t seen in years. I can’t focus on anything, and I’m really having a hard time staying here. It makes me feel so gross to admit but I have to cut a couple times a day and I haven’t done that in years either. It’s embarrassing to be almost 40 and cutting up my fucking arms like a 16 year old so I can focus. All of my life’s spinning plates are falling and I just want to fucking die.

How can I make myself let whatever this is come up so we can be done with it. Give me a fast and crushing meltdown over this slow decaying ooze. Why am I like this? Am I making this all up to drive myself crazy? When does it end?

Sorry for dumping this. I just needed to tell someone the whole thing. I’m not ready to talk to my therapist about cutting because it’s nothing deep and I’m not sure I can stop right now anyway.