I cant deal with this

Ex fiance was my abuser. Left her over a year ago. Was supposed to feel better, now its unimaginably quite the opposite. Emotionally abused, cut off from my life entirely, she disowned everything i ever loved about life. 100s of suicide attempts from her, i honestly cant count.

Im with someone new now, im afraid to open up to her about just how bad im doing. Im afraid no one will listen

Im left i cant trust anyone, nightmares about the abuser every damn night, constant voice of hers in my head telling me im not enough to amount to anything, im never gonna be worth it, its all my fault, i shouldve listened. 99% of my life is full of these thoughts, constant sharp pains in my heart full of an unbearable amount of anxiety and panic.

I don't like being pinned down with decisions, sends me into a chaotic spiral, cant ask for help it does the same, in afraid that no one will care about it and just brush it off. Im doing soo damn bad rn i absolutely hate myself.

I dont know how much longer i can go Like this, i feel soo trapped with no way out. Like a hostage, just how she treated me