I’m so overwhelmed

My procrastination and lack of motivation is a thing, my inability to meet personal goals and self expectations is a thing, but sure I can live with that and fix them slowly. Buuuut at this turning point of graduating college what the fuck should I do with my life and my relationship with family I have absolutely no fucking idea. Everything is getting more and more overwhelming and this whole coronavirus thing is making situations even worse. Thinking of the fact that I might have to spend my last two months of college staying home doing freaking online classes and that the graduation ceremony may be canceled makes me sad, but still that’s okay comparing to the lingering troubles with family. When she said today that I prob don’t even care about the family’s life or death, when she said so many emotional things I was shocked at my calmness and detachment, if such conversations happened two years ago I would surely have bursted into tears. From the deepest of my heart however of course I care about her I love her I want to give her a better life, but can I live with her for a few more years I’m afraid I can’t for the sake of my own mental health plz I don’t wanna become a dual-personality bipolar whatever psychopath. Also I’ve made so many lies throughout college and now that I’m moving back home, her inevitably finding out even some minor ones would result in a freaking disaster. If I ask to move out and get my own apartment there would be an even more freaking disaster maybe even cutting off ties or something. I don’t wanna be a cruel person and I am not but I might have to make a decision and confront these things soon what the fuck should I do. Did someone say something like “the truth shall set you free” please for fuck’s sake set me free. I don’t care if I would have to tighten budgets for a few years I just want my own life, but at the same time I want to show my love & gratitude to my parents before it’s too late. Am I too greedy for wanting those two things at the same time? Fuck I don’t even know what I’m saying now, like I don’t know how to continue with this whole overwhelming life

F